Last week was Max's first birthday - there was cake, laughter, lots of friends, and everything I always dreamed of. I just wish we'd been able to have that sort of celebration for Matilda instead of tears and hiding ourselves away from the world and wishing the day away.
Just before Max's first birthday I unexpectedly became a friend's labor support partner. I actually coped better than I thought I would especially when there started to be a lot of decels just before the delivery. Though I was anxiously watching the monitor to see the heart rate come back up after each one.
The next day the emotion all caught up with me and I cried in the shower and my heart broke all over again for those of you that have labored with stillborn babies or have had that estatic moment of delivery quickly change to heartbreak and devastation. Even with all we went through in losing Matilda, I can barely fathom what that must have been like for all of you.