Note to Universe

I am doing my best from my end and trying to align my will with yours. But I really really need you to get on board.

(from my meditation class tonight - off to bed now - will be back with the rest tomorrow)

You'd think I'd know by now

That eating really hot soup burns my tongue!!

Nothing more profound today. Was going to write about my long list of freak outs this week but am going to leave that until tomorrow :-)

My Wish For You

Years ago my Nana sent me a card for my birthday. I can't remember when exactly but it would've been 5+ years ago when I was still in my early 20's and single. I had it on my wall at work for years and now it is on our fridge. It reads:

My Wish For You

When you are lonely

I wish you love

When you are down

I wish you joy

When you are troubled

I wish you peace

When things are complicated

I wish you simple beauty

When things are chaotic

I wish you inner silence

When things look empty

I wish you hope.

The last couple of lines in particular really speak to me now. But I wish all of those things for all of you - love, joy, peace, beauty, inner silence, and hope.

Facebook Ads

I have two ads showing on my facebook profile at the moment:

1) Get in Your Skinny Jeans

2) Get pregnant naturally

Weird. Looks like their just trying to cover there bases either way.

Spent all day yesterday fighting with DH about things that really shouldn't be upsetting me that much. Rationally I know it's the stress coming out over things it really shouldn't and that this is also hard on DH but emotionally I just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Obviously not totally zen from the meditation practice just yet.

Went out for breakfast with DH this morning and splashed out and had a latte. It was good! The last one I had was on my birthday so it's been a while.

Thanks and Meditation

Thanks for your lovely comments and support (B your's did come through ;-)) - it means a lot to me.

At meditation last night we got half way through it and suddenly I felt like it was hard to get deep breaths into my lungs. It was quite intense and uncomfortable. But then as the lady who takes our group started saying 'just be receptive' I suddenly had a thought 'Matilda is here'. And all the weight was gone from my chest and I could breathe deeply again. Apparently we hold our grief in our lungs.

Matilda - I hope you are here.

And Mungbean - I hope you are too.

I love you both and I can't really explain how much the reality that I can't have both of you here hurts. So just know that I love you both.

News

I imagine you've already guessed what my news is. I'm pregnant. 13 weeks now. It seems to have taken forever to get to this point but equally surreal that I'm here and my belly is starting to grow. I'm having trouble believing it's happening and huge up and down emotions. To be expected I'd imagine.

I'm terrified and the link between the idea of being pregnant and having a baby seems very tenuous. We've started telling some people and they're first question is, when's the due date. Meanwhile I'm just counting down the days to the next appointment and a fortnight seems like too long.

I'll be writing about my pregnancy here - it changes my grief. It doesn't remove it or even lessen it but it does change how I look to the future. On good days, I have hope that there will be a baby at the end of this. I keep reminding myself that's how it works for most people.

I told my friend who's boys (almost 3 & 4) I've been doing kindy drop offs and pick ups for (12hrs a week) that I'll keep doing it until the end of May (just past 20 weeks). She knows I'm pregnant but obviously thought I'd carry on a lot longer than that and was disappointed. I don't think she understands just how terrifying this is for me and how scared I am of catching something from the boys that will hurt this baby. So I sent her an email:

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Thought it might be easier to try and explain in an email. I know I seem fine to you but being pregnant again is extremely difficult for me. You'll thankfully never understand what it's like to be in my situation and I don't expect you to understand. But everyday I have to live with the fear that this baby will die as well and honestly, I don't know how we'd deal with that. I still cry everyday about the fact that Matilda isn't here and then I feel guilty for this baby that I desperately want as well. I love looking after the boys but I'm scared of getting sick from them. I completely freaked out when I was 6 weeks pregnant and the boys had colds and was almost going to tell you I couldn't look after them anymore then.

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I'm expecting my anxiety to grow as we approach the 20 week scan (assuming we make it that far) because that's where things starting changing last time. Matilda's 12 week scan was fine so a good 12 week scan this time hasn't done nearly as much as last time to reassure me.

But there's hope and while that might not be showing through above, I'm trying to remember that.

Change of Scene

We've just come back from Easter away with DH's husband. My pysc thought a change of scene could help with the black hole I fell back down and it did. I never stop thinking about it but to be somewhere else somehow makes it a bit more distant. It also meant we could hide away and didn't have to do any Easter celebrations or crowds which was good.

In my next post I'm going to have some news which I think may see some of you no longer continue reading. If that's the case, a heart-felt thank you for your support and comments. I can't really put into words how much the comments from someone who's been there has helped me. And I wish you happiness and love in the future. Maddie x