If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Why does my mind work like this?

I have a lot of good memories of Matilda's life and my pregnancy with her. In fact, in that early fog of grief I wrote them all down in a document I was so scared of them slipping away. I've never re-read the list but I know it's there. It includes things like:
- Finding out I was pregnant
- Our very first scan at 11 weeks
- The first time DH felt her move
- Seeing her for the first time
- Finding out they were feeding her

But whenever my mind wanders, I don't end up in those memories. I end up in the memories that no one should have to live through:
- 'You might lose your little girl'
- 'It's now inevitible she's going to die'
- Watching DH break down when we picked up her ashes
- Ringing my neighbour and having to say 'Matilda didn't make it'.

Why is this? Why can't my mind naturally turn to all the good things about Matilda's life?

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm Back

I'm back from two weeks holidays in NZ with my family and caught up with some old university friends. I've been reading but not commenting to try and give the holiday a chance to be a distraction and for a fair bit of the time that worked.

I'm glad Mother's Day is over - the constant reminders everywhere were pretty painful as echoed in everyone else's blogs. I just pretended it wasn't happening which meant on the first Mother's Day I've actually spent with my Mum in years she didn't get a 'Happy Mother's Day' from me. But she understood and was just happy to have me and sister with her on that day for a change (we all live in different places).

And when I thought about the fact this should have been my first holiday to NZ with Matilda to show her off to everyone, the tears came. There's just so many things about this that are painful.


On a completely different note, I had my 19 week scan yesterday and everything is looking good at this stage. I was pretty emotional yesterday and pretty much cried through the entire scan but it's starting to sink in today that it was good news. We're booked in for a growth scan at 32 weeks which is 13 weeks away! If I can make it that far, it'll be the longest I've ever gone between scans in a pregnancy. I'm also feeling more movements now which is lovely.

I've been thinking of you all and hope the days are becoming more gentle now Mother's Day is over. I had no idea a simple holiday could be so painful for so many people this time last year.