If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Someone remind me

That I can't jinx this pregnancy. There's now a white bassinette sitting in the corner of our bedroom where it's going to stay until this baby arrives. Which is giving me a bit of an arrrgh feeling. (and DH frowned when I said I was going to throw all my clothes on the ground over it so I'm guessing the bassinette disguished as clothes horse isn't going to make him happy)

I'm 33+5 today. Tomorrow I'll be 33+6 - the gestation that Matilda's movements dramatically slowed. On Monday I'll be 34 weeks when is when she stopped moving at all and was delivered that night. And I've just realised that Monday is 10 months since Matilda was born - I knew it was next week but not Monday. Mungie normally kicks a lot so I'm just hoping that he keeps that up or there's going to be panic by me.

I'm feeling more emotional and crying more about Matilda lately - I don't know if it's approaching her birthday or just getting towards the end of this pregnancy. I still have moments where I can't believe it happened - that we survived the complicated pregnancy, she was here, and then she died.

Matilda - we miss you and nothing is ever going to change that. xx

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Today I'm 31 + 6. We have a room full of baby stuff. We have two boxes of newborn nappies. I'm thinking that I need to wash the baby clothes soon before I get really big and uncomfortable. I've put the ob appointments for the rest of my pregnancy into our calendar (have been doing them one at time until now). Yesterday we went to a breastfeeding class.

To everyone else, I look like a soon to be Mum getting ready. And sometimes for brief moments, I feel like one. Like there might actually be a baby to breastfeed in less than 9 weeks. That our lives might be about to change again in ways we can't imagine.

But then there's other things that only someone who's lost a baby is going to have running through my head. The fact I'm worried that we don't have anything really special to dress him in when he's born - I'm not worried about clothes normally but then I worry 'what if we only get to dress him once, then he needs something special'. I haven't even told DH this, I know it would make him cry so instead I talk about the fact we need a 'coming home outfit' for him.

I'm going to start cooking frozen meals so we'll have food that just needs heating up when he arrives. But equally I remember how I didn't feel like cooking for months and months after Matilda died so I figure they'll be useful whatever happens.

It's DH's birthday today and I bought him two newborn outfits. I haven't spent a lot of time looking at baby things - I find it hard but on Friday I was wandering around the baby department looking at clothes. I feel like an imposter - like someone is going to tap me on the shoulder and ask what I'm doing there. There was another pregnant women there with her Mum walking around looking at things like she had every right to be there.

And yesterday as I sat in the breastfeeding class I realised just how desperate I am for this happy ending and to actually use the things we have and parent a living child. The sheer terror that we might not get that and be thrown back into the overwhelming grief that our life has been since Matilda died. The realisation that that's just what all the other pregnant couples in the room are expecting. That that's how pregnancy is for most people. But not us.

We have a scan tomorrow morning. I'm trying not to think about it.

On 2 Metformin tablets a night now to try and bring my fasting levels down. So far it's working - fingers crossed it remains that way.

It seems like a long way to go in this pregnancy but at this stage with Matilda, my pregnancy was almost over. Her movements slowed dramatically at 33+6, stopped at 34+0, and she was delivered that night. I'm assuming that I'll feel more anxious as we approach that point.

The sun is out and the days are beautiful at the moment. It's helping. And I'm about to go out for my (slow) walk.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

hi Joey (no need to read anyone else)

If you're reading this, can you please have a look at the note above and stop.

I know you may be justifying this by telling yourself that reading this will help you understand what I'm going through so you'll be able to help me. But that's not why I write here and it will harm not help our friendship.

I don't want to hurt you so I really hope you're not reading.


Monday, August 9, 2010

Thank you Steph

Steph who's Sybella's Mum has written a post about the ultrasound picture I posted a few weeks ago with Matilda kissing her little brother. Thank you for writing about Matilda and your amazingly kind words Steph.

Maddie x

Monday, August 2, 2010

30 Weeks

Well here I am and 30 weeks pregnant. I'm not really sure how I've made it this far but I have.

My emotions are starting to go up and down more now and I'm not sure if I'm coping as well. It's starting to play on my mind that it's a long way to go still. Or seems like it is. Now I've started this post I'm struggling to put coherent thoughts together....

At this stage in Matilda's pregnancy I was already in hospital with PE so have passed another milestone and my BP is still low at this stage (100/60 yesterday). Having bloods done on Monday to check them as well.

Had three high readings in a row last week for my GD and freaked out. But have changed my diet slightly (back to eggs for breakfast every morning) and that seems to be working so far. Was convinced that it was the start of it escalating and me heading for insulin but touch wood it seems to have just been a bad day. Rang my endo and she was lovely and reassuring and said I can ring her whenever I'm worried.

Went to a first aid course in the weekend. It was focused on kids so I was thinking there might be other pregnant women there but I did not expect a couple with their four month old baby and a 35 week pregnant couple. I was not coping too well while we were standing outside waiting to get in. They straight away engaged each other in pregnancy and baby conversation while I just stood with DH and avoided eye contact. It made me realise just how different pregnancy is for people who haven't been through loss or complicated pregnancies. She's just talking away about their labour plans and how do you find mothers groups and which movie theaters have babes in arms sessions. All things I can't even think about. I'm sure they thought I was a snob.

For the first time we went to a baby shop and now have a change table, monitor and couple of other things. That wasn't actually as bad as I thought it would be and even fun at times. Thankfully no staff members asked if it was our first baby.

Yesterday we went back to the hospital for the first time for our antenatal appointment with the bereavement midwife. She supports people in subsequent pregnancies so is going to run us through the relevant antenatal course content in a few fortnightly one on one sessions. I was OK when I arrived and then we said we were their to see the bereavement midwife, the midwife asked me 'are you OK' at which point I just wasn't. But the bereavement midwife was lovely, answered all our questions, got the doppler out so we could listen to Mungie's heart and took my bp, and said I can ring her and go in for monitoring anytime I'm worried. So felt a lot better after seeing her and am looking forward to our other appointments.

Have another scan coming up in a fortnight which I'm starting to get nervous about.

I still have to sort the nursery out so we can start putting things we've been buying for Mungbean in there. I was going to do it today but I'm feeling a bit tired and fragile already so have decided to leave it for the weekend.

We are counting down the weeks now....