If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Six Months

Six months ago today you came into this world. We had so many things we wanted to do with you - watch you learn about this world and love you everyday. We still do love you everyday but instead of watching you learn about the world, we're trying to learn how to live with this pain as part of our lives. I wish it had all been different and we were today talking about how fast six months had passed and marvelling at how big you were. Instead it's been the hardest and longest six months I've I had to survive. I try to remember all the happiness you bought us but sometimes that's hard - I hope in time the good memories will shine brighter than the awful ones.

Matilda - we love you and always will. xx

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Depression and Anti-depressents

My pysc thinks I may have mild depression and wants me to go on anti-depressents. I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed and even if I am, not sure if I want to go on anti-depressents for mild depression. His reasons are that I'm exhausted all the time (it hasn't lifted now I'm out of the first trimester), less interested in food (I'm still eating but it feels like a chore sometimes), social isolation, and general low mood. I think that perhaps 3 out of 4 of these things are 'normal' for someone in my situation.

I still do enjoy some things and have good days which makes me think it's not actually depression. I'm able to do my job and concentrate. But then I have low days and think maybe it is. Most days when it gets to mid-afternoon regardless of how I've been during the day I normally think 'good, the day is almost over'. But again, I wonder if that's just normal for someone who's pregnant after a loss.

Do any of you have experience with anti-depressents you're willing to share with me? I guess mainly I'd like to know when you decided they were necessary. A big thanks to anyone that is.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Keeping Busy

Just after Matilda died, well meaning but misguided friends and family kept telling me I had to 'keep busy'. Like if I kept busy, I would somehow forget about my grief. And also, I think it made them feel better if I was doing stuff - like I was OK again. I resented it for a couple of reasons. I didn't want to forget my grief. Yes the pain was overwhelming at times but I wanted to feel it - I didn't just want to keep busy and pretend I wasn't overwhelmingly sad because Matilda died. Also, the grief was so all consuming in the early days that keeping busy just wasn't an option - I literally couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't about Matilda, grief, or other people's stories about losing their babies. I know this mightn't be the case for everyone - my DH in particular wanted to keep busy and go back to work. I'm generalising but this seems to be how a lot of males cope.

But now, 5 and 1/2 months down the track I am starting to feel like keeping busy does help some of the time. Especially as I try and keep the anxiety about my pregnancy down to a dull roar. So I am planning to start working a bit more and go into the office once a fortnight (I'm working from home the rest of the time), I am organising to see close friends I feel comfortable around a bit more, I am planning to get out with DH a bit more, I have started knitting, I am reading more books, I am going to a meditation class once a week, and I am excited about Masterchef starting again. I was going to the movies for a while but there doesn't seem to be anything I want to see on at the moment.

Just wondering what everyone else does to 'keep busy' if that's something that helps you?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

My First Blog Award!!

Thanks Maggie for my first blog award! Just told DH about it but I'm not sure he understands the concept.... But he did comment that he should feature heavily in the list.

Maggie - your comments have helped me on many dark days. Thank you for you support.

The rules of this award are:

1. copy and paste the award on your blog.

2. list who gave the award to you and use a link to her/his blog (or hyperlink).

3. list 10 things that make you happy.

4. pass the award on to other bloggers and visit their blog to let them know about the award.

Ten Things that Make Me Happy
1. My Husband
2. Matilda
3. Mungbean
4. Reggie (my very cute labrador)
5. Supportive family and friends (IRL and here)
6. Cooking
7. Reading
8. Being outside in the sun
9. Coffee (though I haven't been drinking much lately....)
10. My neighbours kids

Passing this award onto:
Rebecca at Life Goes On

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Freak Outs this Week

In the last week I have freaked out about the following things:
* Cleaning the bathroom
* Burning scented candles
* Burning mosquito coils
* Not gaining any weight so far
* Lifting groceries

I am pretty sure I did all of these things last time and didn't give it a second thought. I was talking to my Mum on the phone the other night and half way through this list she cut in and asked 'When are you seeing your pysc again?'. So my mother thinks I'm crazy.

Is it just me? Or is everyone more neurotic after loss? And as much as I love the internet it seems for everything you do, you can always find at least one page saying it's a bad idea.

Note to Universe

I am doing my best from my end and trying to align my will with yours. But I really really need you to get on board.

(from my meditation class tonight - off to bed now - will be back with the rest tomorrow)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

You'd think I'd know by now

That eating really hot soup burns my tongue!!

Nothing more profound today. Was going to write about my long list of freak outs this week but am going to leave that until tomorrow :-)

Sunday, April 11, 2010

My Wish For You

Years ago my Nana sent me a card for my birthday. I can't remember when exactly but it would've been 5+ years ago when I was still in my early 20's and single. I had it on my wall at work for years and now it is on our fridge. It reads:

My Wish For You

When you are lonely
I wish you love
When you are down
I wish you joy
When you are troubled
I wish you peace
When things are complicated
I wish you simple beauty
When things are chaotic
I wish you inner silence
When things look empty
I wish you hope.

The last couple of lines in particular really speak to me now. But I wish all of those things for all of you - love, joy, peace, beauty, inner silence, and hope.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Facebook Ads

I have two ads showing on my facebook profile at the moment:
1) Get in Your Skinny Jeans
2) Get pregnant naturally

Weird. Looks like their just trying to cover there bases either way.

Spent all day yesterday fighting with DH about things that really shouldn't be upsetting me that much. Rationally I know it's the stress coming out over things it really shouldn't and that this is also hard on DH but emotionally I just don't seem to be able to do anything about it. Obviously not totally zen from the meditation practice just yet.

Went out for breakfast with DH this morning and splashed out and had a latte. It was good! The last one I had was on my birthday so it's been a while.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thanks and Meditation

Thanks for your lovely comments and support (B your's did come through ;-)) - it means a lot to me.

At meditation last night we got half way through it and suddenly I felt like it was hard to get deep breaths into my lungs. It was quite intense and uncomfortable. But then as the lady who takes our group started saying 'just be receptive' I suddenly had a thought 'Matilda is here'. And all the weight was gone from my chest and I could breathe deeply again. Apparently we hold our grief in our lungs.

Matilda - I hope you are here.

And Mungbean - I hope you are too.

I love you both and I can't really explain how much the reality that I can't have both of you here hurts. So just know that I love you both.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I imagine you've already guessed what my news is. I'm pregnant. 13 weeks now. It seems to have taken forever to get to this point but equally surreal that I'm here and my belly is starting to grow. I'm having trouble believing it's happening and huge up and down emotions. To be expected I'd imagine.

I'm terrified and the link between the idea of being pregnant and having a baby seems very tenuous. We've started telling some people and they're first question is, when's the due date. Meanwhile I'm just counting down the days to the next appointment and a fortnight seems like too long.

I'll be writing about my pregnancy here - it changes my grief. It doesn't remove it or even lessen it but it does change how I look to the future. On good days, I have hope that there will be a baby at the end of this. I keep reminding myself that's how it works for most people.

I told my friend who's boys (almost 3 & 4) I've been doing kindy drop offs and pick ups for (12hrs a week) that I'll keep doing it until the end of May (just past 20 weeks). She knows I'm pregnant but obviously thought I'd carry on a lot longer than that and was disappointed. I don't think she understands just how terrifying this is for me and how scared I am of catching something from the boys that will hurt this baby. So I sent her an email:
Thought it might be easier to try and explain in an email. I know I seem fine to you but being pregnant again is extremely difficult for me. You'll thankfully never understand what it's like to be in my situation and I don't expect you to understand. But everyday I have to live with the fear that this baby will die as well and honestly, I don't know how we'd deal with that. I still cry everyday about the fact that Matilda isn't here and then I feel guilty for this baby that I desperately want as well. I love looking after the boys but I'm scared of getting sick from them. I completely freaked out when I was 6 weeks pregnant and the boys had colds and was almost going to tell you I couldn't look after them anymore then.

I'm expecting my anxiety to grow as we approach the 20 week scan (assuming we make it that far) because that's where things starting changing last time. Matilda's 12 week scan was fine so a good 12 week scan this time hasn't done nearly as much as last time to reassure me.

But there's hope and while that might not be showing through above, I'm trying to remember that.

Change of Scene

We've just come back from Easter away with DH's husband. My pysc thought a change of scene could help with the black hole I fell back down and it did. I never stop thinking about it but to be somewhere else somehow makes it a bit more distant. It also meant we could hide away and didn't have to do any Easter celebrations or crowds which was good.

In my next post I'm going to have some news which I think may see some of you no longer continue reading. If that's the case, a heart-felt thank you for your support and comments. I can't really put into words how much the comments from someone who's been there has helped me. And I wish you happiness and love in the future. Maddie x