If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Max is Here

Max arrived safely yesterday (21st September). Very relieved and in love.

Thank you for all your support. C-section was bought forward to 37+1 due to increasing anxiety.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Not so calm

I'd reached a point where I started to feel a bit calmer but that's completely gone now. I'm 36 + 6 today and my c-section is booked for two weeks on Tuesday at 39 + 1. I feel sick with anxiety and am crying a lot and think I'm going to ring my ob tomorrow and ask for it to be bought forward. She's away the week I'm 38 weeks pregnant so bringing it forwards means making it 37 1/2 weeks or finding someone else to do it. And then I feel guilty because it appears that MB is doing well in there - it's me that's not out here. But I can't stop all the thoughts of all the things that can still go wrong at this stage.

At acupuncture last week another pregnant women came in after me. She was a week and half overdue and when I commented that she must be getting over it she said 'no, I'm happy, he's happy' so we're just going to carry on. And then there's me who's terrified about waiting until within a week of her due date to deliver. Apparently it's not enough that we have to grieve our precious babies but we also lose faith in our bodies and pregnancy becomes a scarey time.

Thank you for your support this far and please send me your positive thoughts and prayers and hopefully our little boy will be here safely soon.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My Bedside Table

On my bedside table, I have:
* An urn containing my daugther's ashes
* A bear that a friend knitted for her while I was pregnant
* The last scan picture we had of Matilda - DH found it the other day while going through some papers
* The first photo of Matilda after she was born
* An angel statue our neighbour's 7 year old gave us after Matilda died
* A St Gerard medal - patron saint of Mothers and Babies
* Two scan pictures of MB from early in this pregnacy
* The parachute toy the four year old I was looking after gave me 'for when you grow another baby'
* My kick chart
* A charged baby monitor my DH set up yesterday
* Moisturiser, hair brush, deoderant, and lamp

Grief, hope, and everyday life side by side. All of it hard to believe at times.