12 Months Ago

12 months ago I was about 15 weeks pregnant and we'd had a good 12 week scan with no indication of the problems to come. 12 months ago I assumed that a good 12 week scan meant we were going to be bringing home a baby in December. That my biggest worries were going to be deciding whether I wanted an epidural and would the baby be so late I'd still be in hospital for Christmas. 12 months ago we'd sent out text messages and emails telling everyone we were pregnant - we were in the safe zone, why wouldn't we.

Now here I am, 23 weeks pregnant and barely able to hope that we'll be bringing a baby home. I haven't told anyone I'm pregnant except people I actually see (I've run out of outfits that hide it) and because I'm not very social anymore, that's not many people.

Yesterday I packed away all my normal clothes and got my maternity clothes out. It's pretty much exactly 12 months since I did this last time. Last time it was exciting. This time, I was thinking - I hope I'm not bawling and packing this up again soon. I was thinking - the last time I wore this, Matilda was alive and we thought she'd be coming home with us and sleeping in the room next door.

12 months ago I was so happy - we'd just got married and were expecting a baby. We'd joked that our first wedding anniversary wasn't going to be a flash night out because we'd be at home looking after a baby. Life couldn't really get any better. Now that all seems like a dream.

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But the pregnancy is going as it should so far. I'm 23 weeks now. I saw my ob this week and she doesn't want to see me for another month. It seems weird to be this pregnant and not be seeing doctors all the time. Mungbean is kicking (and I am freaking out when he's not). Despite everything I said above, we've started talking about the things we need to buy/organise before he arrives so I must have some hope that he will be coming home with us. DH is at the baby expo today - he wanted me to go with him but it's full of pregnant women and babies and worse, we went last year and then I was pregnant with Matilda.

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I am starting to feel more like myself at times. I'm working a bit more (2 days a week) and going into the office 1 day a week. I've seen a few more friends recently. My Mum and Dad are coming in just over a week and I'm excited about that.

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So really, it's mixed emotions everywhere and just doing my best to try and stay on an even keel.

Inner Peace and What I Want

Went to a meditation class yesterday and each week we select a card from a deck on the basis of 'What do I most need to know'. This week I pulled out the 'Inner Peace' card. I would love some inner peace - it seems so very far away right now. But to try and create some, I'm going to try and spend 30 minutes each day on tidying up/decluttering the house. I tend towards mess but do feel better when I look around and things aren't so chaotic. Yesterday I tidied our bedroom. Today I'm going to start on something that's been needing done for some time - putting Matilda's photos into the album I bought for them. I've been putting this off because I have no doubt that it's going to take me back to that place of heart-wrenching sobs and wishing it had been different. Wishing that my baby's first photo album didn't also contain photos of her funeral. That the first photos of us holding her hadn't been as she was dying.

Also, our meditation teacher said we need to ask the universe for what we want. And that it's OK to want. Well universe, here are the things I want:

* To bring home a living baby from the hospital this year.

* To be able to have some moments of calmness where I can actually enjoy this pregnancy.

* To nuture my body with good food, enough sleep, and whatever else will help me physically.

* To have people around me that understand or can be emphathetic about how hard this pregnancy is for me. For those that can't understand, to give me space.

* To honour Matilda's memory and have her know that we love her.

* To make and keep my house a calm and nuturing space.

Bits and Pieces

It's been a while since I've posted - not sure why but things seem to have settled into a 'sameness'. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad but that's how it is.

7 months since Matilda was born came and went on Sunday and tomorrow will be 7 months since she died. This is the first month that hasn't thrown me down a black hole. That in itself makes me sad because it makes her feel further away.

12 months ago I was over 12 weeks pregnant with Matilda. We'd had our 12 week scan and everything was looking good. I'm a naturally cautious person and we didn't tell anyone (except immediate family) until after 12 weeks and I don't think I really started believing it myself until then. So 12 months ago I was living through the 8 weeks where I really thought we'd be having a baby and bringing that baby home. We told people, I emailed friends overseas, relatives sent cards, and life was good. I can't believe I was that person just 12 months ago.

DH's Mum had a baby girl before him (he's the oldest) who died the day she was born after an uneventful pregnancy. Her 32nd birthday was last Friday. I've always known about Michelle and my MIL had talked to me about what happened before we ever pregnant but this is the first year I've known her birthday. Things were different back then and my MIL never got to see her, doesn't have a picture, and the hospital held a service for Michelle without inviting either of her parents. That breaks my heart.

Michelle - Happy Birthday and I hope you're having lots of fun with your niece Matilda up there.

My BIL's 30th was on Saturday. It was an afternoon thing and it's the first social event I've been to since Matilda died. I wasn't really looking forward to it but I did survive. I only went for a couple of hours and made DH sit with me the whole time. I see close friends one on one and when I'm at home, feel like I'm 'OK' a lot of time. But going out made me realise that really I'm not. I found it hard to talk to people and I seem to have no idea how to socialise anymore. From someone who used to be extremely extroverted and is known for talking a lot. It made me sad and made me wonder if I'll ever be that person that loves being social again. One of DH's relatives tried to engage me in pregnancy talk by asking if I'd had any morning sickness and when I said no, started down the track of 'how lucky, I had heaps'. Said while her daughter sat beside her. I didn't point out to her that I would've exchanged all the horrendous morning sickness in the world to have Matilda with me now. I just changed the subject. It is really such a big mental leap to figure out that for people who've lost a baby, that morning sickness isn't really their big pregnancy worry? Ugh.

Matilda - I can't believe you'd be 7 months old now. We love you and miss you. xx

Heartbreaking - Wyatt River

Wyatt River has joined his brothers in Heaven. The world is a heart-breaking place at times.