If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Inner Peace and What I Want

Went to a meditation class yesterday and each week we select a card from a deck on the basis of 'What do I most need to know'. This week I pulled out the 'Inner Peace' card. I would love some inner peace - it seems so very far away right now. But to try and create some, I'm going to try and spend 30 minutes each day on tidying up/decluttering the house. I tend towards mess but do feel better when I look around and things aren't so chaotic. Yesterday I tidied our bedroom. Today I'm going to start on something that's been needing done for some time - putting Matilda's photos into the album I bought for them. I've been putting this off because I have no doubt that it's going to take me back to that place of heart-wrenching sobs and wishing it had been different. Wishing that my baby's first photo album didn't also contain photos of her funeral. That the first photos of us holding her hadn't been as she was dying.

Also, our meditation teacher said we need to ask the universe for what we want. And that it's OK to want. Well universe, here are the things I want:
* To bring home a living baby from the hospital this year.
* To be able to have some moments of calmness where I can actually enjoy this pregnancy.
* To nuture my body with good food, enough sleep, and whatever else will help me physically.
* To have people around me that understand or can be emphathetic about how hard this pregnancy is for me. For those that can't understand, to give me space.
* To honour Matilda's memory and have her know that we love her.
* To make and keep my house a calm and nuturing space.


  1. I sure hope you get all of those. Thinking of you.

  2. Me too Maddie! I hope you are able to have all of those things. XO

  3. I so relate to this list - the desire for a healthy baby (ha! desire - what an understatement) but also the need to continue to honour Matilda. It's so soon for you and for me, there is nothing normal about where we find ourselves at, but Matilda is and will forever be loved as is Sophia - and the new babas too.
    thinking of you lady x