7 months since Matilda was born came and went on Sunday and tomorrow will be 7 months since she died. This is the first month that hasn't thrown me down a black hole. That in itself makes me sad because it makes her feel further away.
12 months ago I was over 12 weeks pregnant with Matilda. We'd had our 12 week scan and everything was looking good. I'm a naturally cautious person and we didn't tell anyone (except immediate family) until after 12 weeks and I don't think I really started believing it myself until then. So 12 months ago I was living through the 8 weeks where I really thought we'd be having a baby and bringing that baby home. We told people, I emailed friends overseas, relatives sent cards, and life was good. I can't believe I was that person just 12 months ago.
DH's Mum had a baby girl before him (he's the oldest) who died the day she was born after an uneventful pregnancy. Her 32nd birthday was last Friday. I've always known about Michelle and my MIL had talked to me about what happened before we ever pregnant but this is the first year I've known her birthday. Things were different back then and my MIL never got to see her, doesn't have a picture, and the hospital held a service for Michelle without inviting either of her parents. That breaks my heart.
Michelle - Happy Birthday and I hope you're having lots of fun with your niece Matilda up there.
My BIL's 30th was on Saturday. It was an afternoon thing and it's the first social event I've been to since Matilda died. I wasn't really looking forward to it but I did survive. I only went for a couple of hours and made DH sit with me the whole time. I see close friends one on one and when I'm at home, feel like I'm 'OK' a lot of time. But going out made me realise that really I'm not. I found it hard to talk to people and I seem to have no idea how to socialise anymore. From someone who used to be extremely extroverted and is known for talking a lot. It made me sad and made me wonder if I'll ever be that person that loves being social again. One of DH's relatives tried to engage me in pregnancy talk by asking if I'd had any morning sickness and when I said no, started down the track of 'how lucky, I had heaps'. Said while her daughter sat beside her. I didn't point out to her that I would've exchanged all the horrendous morning sickness in the world to have Matilda with me now. I just changed the subject. It is really such a big mental leap to figure out that for people who've lost a baby, that morning sickness isn't really their big pregnancy worry? Ugh.
Matilda - I can't believe you'd be 7 months old now. We love you and miss you. xx