If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bits and Pieces

It's been a while since I've posted - not sure why but things seem to have settled into a 'sameness'. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad but that's how it is.

7 months since Matilda was born came and went on Sunday and tomorrow will be 7 months since she died. This is the first month that hasn't thrown me down a black hole. That in itself makes me sad because it makes her feel further away.

12 months ago I was over 12 weeks pregnant with Matilda. We'd had our 12 week scan and everything was looking good. I'm a naturally cautious person and we didn't tell anyone (except immediate family) until after 12 weeks and I don't think I really started believing it myself until then. So 12 months ago I was living through the 8 weeks where I really thought we'd be having a baby and bringing that baby home. We told people, I emailed friends overseas, relatives sent cards, and life was good. I can't believe I was that person just 12 months ago.

DH's Mum had a baby girl before him (he's the oldest) who died the day she was born after an uneventful pregnancy. Her 32nd birthday was last Friday. I've always known about Michelle and my MIL had talked to me about what happened before we ever pregnant but this is the first year I've known her birthday. Things were different back then and my MIL never got to see her, doesn't have a picture, and the hospital held a service for Michelle without inviting either of her parents. That breaks my heart.

Michelle - Happy Birthday and I hope you're having lots of fun with your niece Matilda up there.

My BIL's 30th was on Saturday. It was an afternoon thing and it's the first social event I've been to since Matilda died. I wasn't really looking forward to it but I did survive. I only went for a couple of hours and made DH sit with me the whole time. I see close friends one on one and when I'm at home, feel like I'm 'OK' a lot of time. But going out made me realise that really I'm not. I found it hard to talk to people and I seem to have no idea how to socialise anymore. From someone who used to be extremely extroverted and is known for talking a lot. It made me sad and made me wonder if I'll ever be that person that loves being social again. One of DH's relatives tried to engage me in pregnancy talk by asking if I'd had any morning sickness and when I said no, started down the track of 'how lucky, I had heaps'. Said while her daughter sat beside her. I didn't point out to her that I would've exchanged all the horrendous morning sickness in the world to have Matilda with me now. I just changed the subject. It is really such a big mental leap to figure out that for people who've lost a baby, that morning sickness isn't really their big pregnancy worry? Ugh.

Matilda - I can't believe you'd be 7 months old now. We love you and miss you. xx


  1. Yes, getting back to the person we were before...not sure if/when that happens. Still figuring that out myself. Thinking of you and Matilda today. ((hugs))

  2. I sure can relate to the part were you said you used to be extraverted and now have a hard time being social. I wander to if I'll ever get back to wanting to be social again. It seems like everytime I'm in a group setting something comes up that then relates back to
    my loss but the person I'm talkning to can't relate so then I feel like I'm not being authentic because I can't share because I know they won't relate. It's so isolating.

  3. Monica - I so relate to what you said at the end. I only really enjoy seeing my friends that seem to be able to relate so then I feel comfortable talking about what I'm going through. Some just don't get it so then I just don't talk about it but the whole thing feels fake and then I think, why bother. And then I think I'm going to be isolated forever because the group of people that can relate is pretty small.