If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, June 18, 2010

12 Months Ago

12 months ago I was about 15 weeks pregnant and we'd had a good 12 week scan with no indication of the problems to come. 12 months ago I assumed that a good 12 week scan meant we were going to be bringing home a baby in December. That my biggest worries were going to be deciding whether I wanted an epidural and would the baby be so late I'd still be in hospital for Christmas. 12 months ago we'd sent out text messages and emails telling everyone we were pregnant - we were in the safe zone, why wouldn't we.

Now here I am, 23 weeks pregnant and barely able to hope that we'll be bringing a baby home. I haven't told anyone I'm pregnant except people I actually see (I've run out of outfits that hide it) and because I'm not very social anymore, that's not many people.

Yesterday I packed away all my normal clothes and got my maternity clothes out. It's pretty much exactly 12 months since I did this last time. Last time it was exciting. This time, I was thinking - I hope I'm not bawling and packing this up again soon. I was thinking - the last time I wore this, Matilda was alive and we thought she'd be coming home with us and sleeping in the room next door.

12 months ago I was so happy - we'd just got married and were expecting a baby. We'd joked that our first wedding anniversary wasn't going to be a flash night out because we'd be at home looking after a baby. Life couldn't really get any better. Now that all seems like a dream.
But the pregnancy is going as it should so far. I'm 23 weeks now. I saw my ob this week and she doesn't want to see me for another month. It seems weird to be this pregnant and not be seeing doctors all the time. Mungbean is kicking (and I am freaking out when he's not). Despite everything I said above, we've started talking about the things we need to buy/organise before he arrives so I must have some hope that he will be coming home with us. DH is at the baby expo today - he wanted me to go with him but it's full of pregnant women and babies and worse, we went last year and then I was pregnant with Matilda.
I am starting to feel more like myself at times. I'm working a bit more (2 days a week) and going into the office 1 day a week. I've seen a few more friends recently. My Mum and Dad are coming in just over a week and I'm excited about that.
So really, it's mixed emotions everywhere and just doing my best to try and stay on an even keel.


  1. Maddie, I can imagine how hard and different this new pregnancy is. After a loss, that's really all you know. I'm glad to hear that things are progressing well though and you are starting to feel more like yourself. You are right, you just have to do your best. Thinking of you!

  2. I know exactly how you feel, In not nearly as far along as you are. but even in the short month Ive know i am pregnant, I feel like i wont make it as far as you are. I feel like I want to be a mommy so bad to a baby that can be with me, but I dont feel like it will happen as much as I long for it.

    Ill be praying for you and baby i know how difficult it is

  3. I'm glad your pregnancy is still going well (from mungbean's point of view if not your own....). It must be so hard for you. I'm glad you've been able to work a bit more.

    I'm thinking of you.

  4. Hi Maddie,
    just reading your blog... i know how you feel... i am in a similar space.. i am currently 17w3d pregnant... next week i have the anatomy scan.. almost a year ago i was 19 week pregnant with matilda and at her anatomy scan we found out she was a girl and that she was two weeks smaller than she should have been... two weeks later she entered the world, sound alseep looking just beautiful! i am totally freaked out about the next month and survivng it.. when i do i think i too will be in a place to contemplate the things we need for this new bubby..
    i am pleased to hear your mungbean is doing well! we too are expecting a little boy to add to our family!
    we havent told anyone (expect the people i see - work colleagues and family) either.
    know that you are not alone in your new journey... excellent to hear you are starting to feel better!

  5. Maddie, in a way I'm living vicariously through you (and others) who are pregnant after losing a child. Our two babies' short lives overlapped eachother's so of course I feel a bond in that way. I can't believe you're so far along, and that gives me hope. In some weird way I feel that if you can do this thing, I can do it someday soon, too. Wishing you many more peaceful days ahead as the little one grows. He will be coming home with you soon! I will be reading and thinking of you...

  6. Thanks everyone for your comments.

    Lana - Hope the scan goes well next week.

    Rebecca - I think about you as well and the fact our baby girls were here at the same time. You can do this - we'll all be here to support you.

  7. I have been reading your blog for a while now. I can't say I know how you feel, because I am a 14 year old girl, But my mother might.

    She has had 6 miscarriages. And my sister died at the age of 4. Before I was born. My mother had 3 other children at the time. After Priscilla's death she had another 5 children. Ranging from 14 to 30.

    She raised us all. She was strong. She gives me hope, and maybe she might help you.

  8. Maddie I am so glad all is going fine with Mungbean.

    I go in to hospital tomorrow night to start induction. I guess most would say I've made it - 36 weeks and baby is fine, but the reality is that I will only breathe again when she is born safe and sound.

    I've said it a million times - pregnancy after losing a baby is the hardest emotional battle one can fight - wouldn't take it back for ANYTHING but WOW it is a constant constant battle of the mind.

    Even tonight I had a freak out and whipped out the Doppler.

    Ya - so I guess I can't say that the fear disappears. it doesn't. BUT i can say that in spite of your best efforts to guard your heart, it becomes impossible. You are a mom. Mungbean will grow on you (and in you :)) more and more as each week passes.

    I pray that come Christmas so many of us will be celebrating with our very own living breathing babies.

    Please post again when you get a chance and let us know how you're getting on x

    much love!!

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