If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Why does my mind work like this?

I have a lot of good memories of Matilda's life and my pregnancy with her. In fact, in that early fog of grief I wrote them all down in a document I was so scared of them slipping away. I've never re-read the list but I know it's there. It includes things like:
- Finding out I was pregnant
- Our very first scan at 11 weeks
- The first time DH felt her move
- Seeing her for the first time
- Finding out they were feeding her

But whenever my mind wanders, I don't end up in those memories. I end up in the memories that no one should have to live through:
- 'You might lose your little girl'
- 'It's now inevitible she's going to die'
- Watching DH break down when we picked up her ashes
- Ringing my neighbour and having to say 'Matilda didn't make it'.

Why is this? Why can't my mind naturally turn to all the good things about Matilda's life?


  1. Not to be a downer, but I'm pretty sure I know why I dwell on the bad and none of the good...because the bottom line is, she didn't make it. Matilda and Addison both brought a lot of joy but that joy was cut short when their lives were. For me, it's like commenting on how beatiful the sky looks while plummeting to earth from a plane without a parachute. Yes, there was some beautiful scenery, but who cares when the end result is splatting on the ground. Sorry, I think I just hijacked your blog. I'm too emotionally overwhelmed to write on my own. Thanks....I feel better. :-)

  2. Hijack away and what you've said makes sense. I guess I'm just tried of being stuck in these thoughts all the time. Ugh.

    Hope the overwhelmingness calms down somewhat soon.

    Maddie x

  3. :( It's hard to remember the good things when we tend to dwell on the bad. I don't know why the bad memories stand out more than the good. Try & remember all those good memories as much as you can. I know it's easier said than done. Thinking of you! XO

  4. I think it's because the ultimate fact that she didn't make it is so overwhelming. I think that in time you will find the good memories come to you more than they do now. The bad will still be around, but... it'll be more balanced, I guess?

    I don't really have any memories that I class as happy memories of my pregnancy. The first few days I knew I was pregnant I didn't think it was going to stick, and - well to be fair I don't think I ever thought it was going to stick until after the first scan. And the knowledge that it only lived ten days after that scan kind of stain all the rest.

    But I'm glad you have good memories.

    Thinking of you xx

  5. I kind of hope that in time the horror and the tragedy can fade a bit and the joyful memories can be at the forefront.

    I have no idea if this is possible, but it is what seems to happen with other deaths... The death itself is a focus for a long time, but finally it is the person who is remembered.

    Dunno if this is true or just wishful thinking. Here's hoping! xxx