If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Thursday, October 14, 2010


A year ago I was sitting in hospital half-way through a 5 week stay. I was reading about BWS and making contact with other women who had children with BWS expecting to meet them once our baby had arrived and her stay in the nursery was over. I was dealing with the uncertainities by taking one day at a time and not thinking too much about what was likely to happen once Matilda had arrived. Occasionally I'd have scary thoughts run through my head about what I thought were the worst case scenario outcomes - that'd we'd end up facing childhood cancer (babies with BWS have an increased risk) or she'd have to have trachie in for a long time and possibly come home with one. But I'd put them aside and focus on all the stories I'd read (the majority) about babies with BWS coming home after a few weeks in hospital and there being no major complications down the track.

Instead the worst case scenario was one that hadn't entered my head - that's we'd be at our daughter's funeral the day she would have been a week old.

But now I'm sitting here with Max asleep in our bedroom and DH has gone to the shop for more baby wipes and milk. My days are filled with breastfeeding, nappy changing, and gazing at Max in general wonder that he's here and alive. He's amazing and beautiful and I'm falling more in love with him each day.

I just can't believe a year ago I didn't know the term 'baby loss', that I was in hospital almost at the end of a high-risk pregnancy and calm, and that Matilda was still alive and kicking me up under the ribs each day.

Our angel-care monitor went off tonight for the first time. It was a false alarm but that's really not good for the nerves.

We'll be lighting a candle for Matilda at our hospital's pregnancy loss service tomorrow night for International Pregnancy Loss Day. I'll be thinking of you all and your precious babies that can't be here with you.

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