* My pregnancy with Matilda was filled with unknowns that we'd only understand the seriousness of once she was delivered. And I had PE so I was wishing the days away so we could get to a decent gestation because prematurity of top of everything else was just going to make things harder.
* In my grief while I felt like I was never going to feel happiness and joy again I knew rationally time would help me learn to live with my pain rather than my pain consuming me. I remember marking off the hours, days, weeks, and then months. I didn't know when the point would come but I just had this feeling I had to hold on until I could get there.
* My pregnancy with Max was filled with anxiety and each day and week seemed very long. I've said to a few people that pregnancy is very long when you approach it as 'today I'm 8+2' for the entire pregnancy.
I've caught myself doing the same thing a couple of times since Max arrived. Thinking things like 'only 2 days until you're a week old'. And then I realised, I can savour my days now. I don't want to wish Max's newborn stage away. In fact it's almost the opposite, that I'm scared of it all going too fast.
But what a gift it is to be able to enjoy the moments of each day rather than counting them away as I have been for so long.
I'm still crying everyday about Matilda - it's the most I've cried in a long time. Somehow it sits alongside the happiness. I'm trying to accept that's how it's going to be for us. But I can't help feel sad that DH and I never got to experience what it's like to bring a baby home for the first time without this huge grief hanging over us. We sat outside the hospital with Max waiting for my parents to pick us up crying about Matilda and the fact we never got to bring her home.
I was standing outside on our deck today and a huge butterfly was just sitting on the plant beside the stairs. I think it was Matilda saying hello to us.
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I've just stumbled onto this blog. But, I am so sorry for the loss of your Matilda. And so happy for the birth of your Max. I can relate to the way time passes differently when you have a subsequent child. And, it's a testament to your Matilda that you'll never parent the same as you might've. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeletesending hugs maddie. i'm so glad he's here safely. and i know you must be missing matilda even more now in some ways.
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It was definitely Matilda!! And I am so sorry I missed the actual birth announcement of Max, but I am so very happy to hear he arrived safely. :) Many many hugs to you Maddie and a belated Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteIm sure it was your Matilda too.. i found myself sitting with a photo of our Matilda yesterday and all i could do was cry.. i missed her so much and al i wanted to do was kiss her on the cheek and i knew i never would again... i am really sorry you never got to bring your matilda home Maddie
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Maddie, I'm so glad you're finally able to relax and savor the days. You have been through so much--you truly deserve it. Matilda will always be special, and it's a terrible thing that she never got to go home and grow up with you as her mom. I'll be thinking of you as our daughters' birthdays approach. I wish peace for both of us.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to hearing more about your experience with Max after Matilda. You already sound hopeful. Thank you also, for your kind words recently. Thinking of you, sending love to Max, and always remembering Matilda.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to say, other than these words really spoke to me today.
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