The other reason I must have believed she was coming home was a conversation I had with DH about buying a breast pump. During the pregnancy I was really funny about buying things and getting ready - scared of 'jinxing' things. DH kept saying we needed to buy a breast pump because we knew Matilda would be spending at least a few weeks in hospital but I kept saying no lets wait. But once she was here DH was saying we needed to buy or hire one for when I was discharged and I said 'We do and I don't know why I didn't let you buy one during the pregnancy because we were always going to need it.'
Matilda's birthday was sad but not the awful day I was dreading. We went out to the park with Max for a few hours which was nice. I'm sure if Max hadn't already been here it would've sent me much lower. The reality is that a newborn baby just requires too much attention to be able to think about Matilda constantly over these days she was alive. And I feel guilty about that - like she deserves more from me. That I couldn't even give her a year of devoted grief.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of her death. I'm planning to a breastfeeding meeting with Max. I feel guilty about as well but I've relived the day she died in my mind so many times I just don't think I can stay home all day and do it minute by minute again.
Today is Melbourne Cup today. For those of you not in Australia it's the horse race 'that stops the nation'. It's all over the news. Every workplace has sweeps, lunches, etc. Everyone places bets on it even if they never bet on another race ever. Matilda died on Melbourne Cup day so even though today's not the anniversary it's pretty hard to get away from. At 5am this morning I was watching the news and it's all about the Melbourne Cup and I remembered watching the same morning news as I pumped last year. Then we went down to the NICU at 5.30 and found Matilda surrounded by doctors and were told she was bleeding in her lung again and was very very sick. Watching that coverage at 5am last year was the last time I joked and had hope for a very long time.