Hope and Guilt

Since Matilda died, I've wondered if I really ever thought she'd be coming home with us. Not based on intuition that some mothers have about their babies who die after uneventful pregnancies but based on our complicated pregnancy and Matilda's prenatal diagnosis. I have real trouble trying to remember what I thought about babyloss before my pregnancies. It seems like I've always been this person that's had a baby die but that's not true - this time last year, I believed we'd be bringing our baby home. I must have. Over the first three days of Matilda's life we took about 20 photos - if I thought there was a chance she was going to die I'm sure I would've taken hundreds. On the day she was dying the nurses took lots for us. I remember today last year - she'd had her first setback so wasn't looking as healthy (as healthy as you can in the NICU with lines everywhere) - we took the camera down but then only took two photos. I didn't want to have photos of her looking so sick. If only I'd known that was the best she'd look for the rest of her life. The only photos we have with all three of us are when she's dying.

The other reason I must have believed she was coming home was a conversation I had with DH about buying a breast pump. During the pregnancy I was really funny about buying things and getting ready - scared of 'jinxing' things. DH kept saying we needed to buy a breast pump because we knew Matilda would be spending at least a few weeks in hospital but I kept saying no lets wait. But once she was here DH was saying we needed to buy or hire one for when I was discharged and I said 'We do and I don't know why I didn't let you buy one during the pregnancy because we were always going to need it.'

Matilda's birthday was sad but not the awful day I was dreading. We went out to the park with Max for a few hours which was nice. I'm sure if Max hadn't already been here it would've sent me much lower. The reality is that a newborn baby just requires too much attention to be able to think about Matilda constantly over these days she was alive. And I feel guilty about that - like she deserves more from me. That I couldn't even give her a year of devoted grief.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of her death. I'm planning to a breastfeeding meeting with Max. I feel guilty about as well but I've relived the day she died in my mind so many times I just don't think I can stay home all day and do it minute by minute again.

Today is Melbourne Cup today. For those of you not in Australia it's the horse race 'that stops the nation'. It's all over the news. Every workplace has sweeps, lunches, etc. Everyone places bets on it even if they never bet on another race ever. Matilda died on Melbourne Cup day so even though today's not the anniversary it's pretty hard to get away from. At 5am this morning I was watching the news and it's all about the Melbourne Cup and I remembered watching the same morning news as I pumped last year. Then we went down to the NICU at 5.30 and found Matilda surrounded by doctors and were told she was bleeding in her lung again and was very very sick. Watching that coverage at 5am last year was the last time I joked and had hope for a very long time.