I remember the first time she told me about Michelle - it was before we got married and had even thought about kids. She explained with tears in her eyes about going through labour and then Michelle being taken away and no one telling them what was going on. She doesn't talk about it a lot but has more since Matilda died. Michelle was taken away straight after the birth and she never got to see or hold her - she knows she had dark hair from the glimpse she got but that's all. She has said to me she thinks I have it much harder than her because Matilda lived for four days and I got to hold her but I'm not sure that's really the case.
I never knew she'd kept anything she had for Michelle but obviously she's kept this all these years (Michelle would have been 32 in May).
I know I'll love and miss Matilda forever but thinking about that is hard. So I try to take it a day at a time. Now Max is here I'm sure everyone thinks we happy and everything is fine now. I'm sure they don't think about the fact that every single time someone asks me 'Is he your first?' my heart catches and I have two seconds to decide if the person asking is someone I want to tell about Matilda. I'm sure they don't think about every time someone says 'When you have your second' that my head screams 'I already have two babies!'. That when they start talking about how they think a small gap between siblings is best that I feel exhausted and terrified by the prospect of trying to get through another pregnancy. And I know they don't think about the fact that 32 years from now I'll be thinking about Matilda and wondering what sort of women she would have grown into and how my heart breaks that I'll never know.