If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Sunday, December 12, 2010


When Max was born my MIL gave us a gown she wanted us to take a photo of him wearing. She didn't say much about it other than DH and his sister had both had photos in it. We took the photos last week and I got DH to ask her what the history of it was. Her MIL had made her 3 gowns for Michelle - her first child who died a few hours after she was born.

I remember the first time she told me about Michelle - it was before we got married and had even thought about kids. She explained with tears in her eyes about going through labour and then Michelle being taken away and no one telling them what was going on. She doesn't talk about it a lot but has more since Matilda died. Michelle was taken away straight after the birth and she never got to see or hold her - she knows she had dark hair from the glimpse she got but that's all. She has said to me she thinks I have it much harder than her because Matilda lived for four days and I got to hold her but I'm not sure that's really the case.

I never knew she'd kept anything she had for Michelle but obviously she's kept this all these years (Michelle would have been 32 in May).

I know I'll love and miss Matilda forever but thinking about that is hard. So I try to take it a day at a time. Now Max is here I'm sure everyone thinks we happy and everything is fine now. I'm sure they don't think about the fact that every single time someone asks me 'Is he your first?' my heart catches and I have two seconds to decide if the person asking is someone I want to tell about Matilda. I'm sure they don't think about every time someone says 'When you have your second' that my head screams 'I already have two babies!'. That when they start talking about how they think a small gap between siblings is best that I feel exhausted and terrified by the prospect of trying to get through another pregnancy. And I know they don't think about the fact that 32 years from now I'll be thinking about Matilda and wondering what sort of women she would have grown into and how my heart breaks that I'll never know.


  1. This post just breaks my heart. Because so much of this rings true for me. I find the "just wait til you have your second" comments the worst at the moment. Don't they see I'm already parenting two children? Just not in the way most get to do it. There is a visible and invisible side to my parenting.

  2. How i wish you didnt have to think about those answers honey , that they just came easily as you looked at your 2 babies and answered im so sorry you cant and yes in 32 years you will still remember and think about your Matilda, love and hugs honey


  3. Every word of your last paragraph rings so true for me!!! :(

  4. Oh Maddie, I hear you on your heart screaming. I already have people saying to me that I will have my hands full when number 3 comes along. But I already had number 3 and he was Connor, lived for 1 day, 1 hour and 1 minute! This comes from family who I think should know better. Its like I've been pregnant for 18 months because they say number 4 is really number 3. Anyway, end of waffel......with a similar experience I hear you on the heart screaming, it hurts so much. I have no advice just some cyber hugs xxx