If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Remembering Matilda

We were over at the neighbours having a Christmas drink today and their two boys (just turned 5 & 3) were playing with Max on the floor. They're pretty fascinated with him and watched closely while I breastfed him and helped DH change a nappy - it's very cute. When they were playing with them on the floor the older one said 'you had another baby before' and I said 'yes'. He then said 'but she died straight away didn't she' and I again said 'yes'. He asked why and I said she was very sick. It's weird - I assumed he would forget all about Matilda but out of everyone other than my immediate family and a few very close friends, he's the only one that mentioned her after the first few months.

The lead up to Christmas this year is hugely different to last year when the shock was wearing off and I was left with the huge weight of grief losing a baby brings. I'm looking forward to it rather than just wishing the days away and I'm so very grateful this is the case.

Got to see Max roll over for the first time today and he's 'talking' more and more. The boys next door asked me what he was saying but I'm still not quite sure ;-)

Hoping the days are gentle for those of you approaching your first Christmas without your precious babies.


  1. Kids are great like that. I wish more adults could act this normal with us in regards to our babies. It isn't THAT hard to mention their names is it?
    Feels nice to have some Christmas cheer again. This is our second with Angus and it feels better than last year already - he's not so new and daunting and we seem to have found our parenting groove a bit more. 2008 was very, very bleak around these parts, that's for sure. In our house, there was no Christmas.

  2. Glad you have some sweet neighbor boys who aren't afraid to ask about Matilda. Love hearing that Max is rolling and 'talking' :) Much love.

  3. What a sweet little boy - kids do seem to acknowledge our babies more.

  4. I love that your neighbor boy asked about Matilda - it's so sweet and heartwarming to me. And glad to hear there's more Christmas cheer present for you this year. This is our second Christmas without Acacia - much different than last year - a bit easier to bear, and yet so very hard. And we hold the hope and fear of our current pregnancy this year.

    Much love.

  5. My 4 year old niece and her family came to the Service for Hope and Consolation to honour lost children on Friday night. She said, after seeing Sybella's picture up on the slideshow (of the 200 babies) "that's your baby, isnt it?" "Yes" I answered. Then she went on to tell me "And now she is in the sky."
    I loved how honest and free she was with her questions and thoughts.