If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, February 7, 2011

A Different Life

I've been meaning to tidy up our bookcase for ages but I didn't realise just how long. I started today and I obviously haven't been through it since I had Matilda. It's made me realise just how stressed I must have been during my whole pregnancy because I spent pretty much all my time at home and I still didn't get around to it.

I found some photos from my SIL's wedding when I was 26 weeks pregnant - after the awful 20 week scan and following days but before the BWS diagnosis. There's a photo of me sitting on the couch after having my hair and make-up done but before I'm dressed. I'm smiling and cradling my stomach as pregnant women do. I look at these photos and think 'Matilda was alive and kicking in there'. It seems like a different life.
We've just been on our first holiday to NZ with Max and it was wonderful. For the most part my life looks like any other Mum's with a four month old. But most days there's a quiet moment where I wonder what life would be like with a 15 month old girl and cry. Then I wipe my tears away and go back to the wonderfulness that is everyday life now. I guess that's just how it is now and always will be.
Sometime during my pregnancy I started following a blog that wasn't a babyloss blog. Last week Grace arrived far too early at 22 weeks. If you've got a moment, please send Katie some love.


  1. Dear Maddie, I went over to Katie's from your blog. It hurts to see a life gone too soon.

    I had not heard of the Beckwithe-Wiedemann Syndrome before this. I am so sorry that it was there.

    I recently opened our 'Pictures' folder on the PC and found pics of my baby shower. Yep, that sensation that the child was there at that time, safe and healthy and alive...it takes less than a second for the pinch to set.

  2. i'm glad you had a good holiday.

    it's weird... the contrast between the life that should have been and the life that is. so hard to accept.