I don't really have anything new to say, for the most part the joy that Max brings me consumes my day and my life is wonderful. But sometimes (like now listening to a song from my SIL's wedding when I was pregnant with Matilda) the pain hits all over again and I'm in tears. A lot of the time I struggle to believe this actually happened to us - that I really do have my daughter's ashes sitting on my bedside table. I was reading Glen Hall's (an Australian footballer) article the other day about holding, kissing, bathing, and dressing his stillborn son with tears streaming down my face and thinking 'how heartbreaking' and then it hit me, we have the same story and it's just as heartbreaking.
I've been seeing some beautiful and brave pictures from my friends lately and realised I've never shared any. Here's my beautiful little girl.
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She is just gorgeous. I am so sorry this happened to your family, it's just the very worst thing.
ReplyDeleteI'd forgotten about the tongue hanging out of the mouth until I just saw that photo- our Jack was like that too while intubated. The yellow "earmuffs" from the MRIs/CT scans too. Ours are now in our nursery, part of the "kit" our hospital packed for us after he was gone.
I'm so sorry this is your reality. I'm so sorry she's not here. You are right, she's so beautiful.
ReplyDeletexo
She is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wish she was here with you.
xxx
Your Matilda is very beautiful and it is heartbreaking that she is not here with you. I think that its Ok to grieve even when you have joy in your life. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Maddie, she's so beautiful, these photos took my breath away. I too read stories from those who share our pain and think "how very heartbreaking, I don't know how I'd survive..." and then it hits me, I realize that I am here, doing my best to survive...
ReplyDeleteSending you much love. Thank you for sharing these gorgeous pictures of your darling little girl. I wish you were here with your mama, Matilda.
Oh Maddie, she's beautiful. I'm lost for words other than that. She is just gorgeous. xx
ReplyDeleteMatilda is so pretty! Tiny feet and all. I love her pic in the white frock. I love the pic where she is in your arms and there is a hand caressing her head.
ReplyDeleteKeep the pics close.
Hugs,
xoxo
Matilda is gorgeous, thank you for sharing her photos with us. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh wow Maddie. She is a precious precious little bundle. I wish she was here but that's futile isnt it.
ReplyDeleteTandia has a lullaby CD (old school songs). The last song is "A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep.... If you keep believing every dream that you wish will come true". And it numbs me every time because it can not come true. Not in this lifetime. And that breaks me.
Just came by to say a Hello and Thank you...
ReplyDeleteThank you for abiding with me, and for your wishes.
xoxo
Maddie, thank you for sharing these pictures. Matilda was absolutely beautiful (and I'm not just saying that). It's just so sad that she couldn't stay...
ReplyDeleteHey Maddie,
ReplyDeleteHere from the response you left on my blog...I am so glad that your neighbour's kid remembered Matilda. How did you handle the questions? Was it very awkward to talk about Matilda?
I somehow think that it is more uncomfortable talking to adults about it than children. I might be wrong.
Although the kids questions always made me cry it was easier in some ways to talk to them - they just say what they think. 'You had a baby didn't you?' 'Yes I did' 'But she died' 'Yes she did' 'Are you going to grow another baby' 'We hope so' was basically how it would go. They don't try and say all those things other people say which they think are going to help and just don't. And the very fact they remembered helped.
ReplyDeleteSending love.