If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A Wedding

I was a bridesmaid for one of my best friends in the weekend. The wedding was fantastic and so much fun but one thing keeps reoccuring to me. I saw lots of people I haven't seen in years (like the 10 years since we finished university) and so had lots of conversations about what we'd been up to. I'd talk about Max and sometimes they'd ask 'just the one' and I'd say 'yeah' and change the subject. It started at my friend's hens night on the Thursday and just carried on. I'm not sure why - normally I do bring up Matilda but it just didn't feel like the place given it was my friend's huge happy occasion (and they've been through a lot as well). I don't feel uncomfortable with it the way I would have a year ago.

It was the first time I'd been away from Max overnight and it was two nights. He's 14 months and was fine without me (in fact he didn't seem that excited to see me again when we came back). But all the conversations made me think about Matilda more than him if that makes sense. How is it on my first time away from my baby I spend more time thinking about the one I never left but yet we spend our lives apart.

And grief came rushing at me in places I just didn't see coming. It was a church wedding and the last time I saw a priest performing a ceremony was Matilda's funeral. I didn't think about this until the moment she said, 'let's pray'. And then it all came back at me.

Beautiful photos of the bride sitting on the lakefront under a rainbow that had appeared bought the grief back.

Some people I spoke to would have known about Matilda but the bride's mum bought her up and I was so grateful because as we know, people never do.

But mostly there was laughter, love, and gratefulness for my family and friends.


  1. "And grief came rushing at me in places I just didn't see coming."

    I am still fresh in the process. And even though my second kid is not yet 'out' in the world, somehow it seems that the world currently takes the new baby more (in acknowledging it) than the one that passed away.

    It is not necessarily a bad thing. It seems the world is trying to cope with our loss. And the gravity of what has been faced can't be brought up and about everytime at other people's social dos. The good thing is to internally step back and let the flow be. For me and you, all our children will be there.

    With Max you will have so many opportunities for new milestones and so many memories, but those milestones and memories wont be created with Matilda. That blank I think does stay/remain in our mind.

    I hope I am making sense.


    And yes, I am glad it was good.

  2. I have always found weddings hard since Hope died. Those ultimate happy events always makes me think of my ultimate horror event.