If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, August 22, 2011


I don't cry as much now - for a long time there were at least some tears everyday but not now. But as Matilda's birthday approaches for the 2nd time, the tears are closer to the surface.

Our health fund was bought out recently and new cards were sent to us. They were in my maiden name so we needed new ones which was expected. What wasn't was seeing '3 Baby 30/10/2009'. Because Matilda's life was so short there weren't many things to remove her from but almost two years down the track, our health fund obviously still thought she was alive. I emailed them about the name change and the fact Matilda had died and we now had another baby to add to the fund. A couple of days later, three letters turned up in the post. One to me, my DH, and Miss Baby Taylor. The first two had our new cards with Matilda removed and Max added. The third stated the start and finish dates of Miss Baby Taylor's policy. It hurt - no one ever imagines they'll be removing a child from the family affairs. I was going to through out the old cards but I couldn't and instead put them in Matilda's memory box - we've got so few things that acknowledge she was here and alive and part of our family.

The first Melbourne Cup ad's have started appearing - it's the 1st of November this year (first Tuesday of the month every year) but it will always be linked with the day Matilda died. Just before we went down the nursery early in the morning she died and found out things were really bad, we were sitting watching the Melbourne Cup lead up while I pumped. While my daughter had started dying.

Remembering Hope and overjoyed to hear of Juliet's safe arrival.


  1. My heart hurts for you, Maddie. It can be the little things like this to really set us off.
    And thanks for celebrating/remembering with me on the 18th/19th. Means a lot to have the support of this community.
    Missing Matilda always.

  2. Many many hugs.

    I know that we remain so aware of a baby that is lost, and when these milestones crop up, it always becomes tougher.

    I remember 26/11, Amy McDonald's 'This is the Life' from my 2ww of IVF #1. I remember other things from my pregnancy with Lola.

    They have to prop up anywhere for me to step back on the time machine.

    I understand.


  3. I just looked again at Matilda's pictures, and they make me want to cry for you. Happy that you have Max, and sad that you lost Matilda. Why can't it just all be good?

  4. So late, but I'm still reading and remembering Matilda with you xx