If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, September 26, 2011

Two Very Different First Birthdays

Last week was Max's first birthday - there was cake, laughter, lots of friends, and everything I always dreamed of. I just wish we'd been able to have that sort of celebration for Matilda instead of tears and hiding ourselves away from the world and wishing the day away.

Just before Max's first birthday I unexpectedly became a friend's labor support partner. I actually coped better than I thought I would especially when there started to be a lot of decels just before the delivery. Though I was anxiously watching the monitor to see the heart rate come back up after each one.

The next day the emotion all caught up with me and I cried in the shower and my heart broke all over again for those of you that have labored with stillborn babies or have had that estatic moment of delivery quickly change to heartbreak and devastation. Even with all we went through in losing Matilda, I can barely fathom what that must have been like for all of you.


  1. I still can't believe I did it either, Maddie. It is like it was someone else, like it is not my story. How I wish it wasn't.
    I can't fathom what you went through either. I guess in this world, there are no winners. No one is better off. We all end up in the same place - missing our babies. Forever.
    So glad Max is here and filling your heart with joy.

  2. I can tell you in no uncertain terms, it fucking sucked. I found out later that if I had asked, the hospital would have provided me with a Doula to help with all the decisions and paperwork and sadness...if I had asked...of course, I didn't know to ask...sigh...

  3. Happy belated birthday to Max, Maddie. Remembering Matilda. xo