If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, July 23, 2010

12 Months Ago Our World Fell Apart for the First Time

It's 12 months today since our 20 week scan where we first found out Matilda had an omphalocele. At that stage we had no idea what the implications were and we thought it probably just meant surgery after she was born. Oh how I wish that'd been our biggest concern. Even if that had been the case, our innocence in pregnancy was shattered forever and scans became a thing to fear. The week following that scan was easily the worst of my life other than the week Matilda died. I'd gone from putting books on hold about active birth and looking up pregnancy yoga classes to reading stories about terminations following 20 week scans finding major anormalities. I felt Matilda move for the first time in this middle of the scan, amino, and waiting for the results. Instead of it being a joyful thing to share with my husband, I didn't tell anyone because I was just so terrified of what was going to happen next.

It’s been 12 months of anxiety and having to deal with people just not understanding. 12 months ago yesterday I was still that naive innocent girl who assumed we’d be bringing home a healthy baby in time for Christmas. I can barely even remember who I was then.

A part of me wants to say it's been the worst 12 months of my life but how can I say that - it was the 12 months where I had my first child, my husband feeling a child of ours move for the first times, and I held my baby girl. I still don't really understand how we've survived but we have.

Matilda - I wish you were here. We love you more that ever. Mummy x


  1. i'm so sorry. anniversaries are hard. i'm not nearly that far out - my son's due date is approaching in august, and i know it will be hard. sending you a hug...

  2. Thinking of you and Matilda today. <3

  3. I'm new to your blog. I'm so sorry about your sweet Matilda. I wish she was here too.
    With love from another babylost mum in Australia.