If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Someone remind me

That I can't jinx this pregnancy. There's now a white bassinette sitting in the corner of our bedroom where it's going to stay until this baby arrives. Which is giving me a bit of an arrrgh feeling. (and DH frowned when I said I was going to throw all my clothes on the ground over it so I'm guessing the bassinette disguished as clothes horse isn't going to make him happy)

I'm 33+5 today. Tomorrow I'll be 33+6 - the gestation that Matilda's movements dramatically slowed. On Monday I'll be 34 weeks when is when she stopped moving at all and was delivered that night. And I've just realised that Monday is 10 months since Matilda was born - I knew it was next week but not Monday. Mungie normally kicks a lot so I'm just hoping that he keeps that up or there's going to be panic by me.

I'm feeling more emotional and crying more about Matilda lately - I don't know if it's approaching her birthday or just getting towards the end of this pregnancy. I still have moments where I can't believe it happened - that we survived the complicated pregnancy, she was here, and then she died.

Matilda - we miss you and nothing is ever going to change that. xx
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12 comments:

  1. RachelAugust 28, 2010 at 6:12 AM

    I can see there being a lot of emotions flying around...thinking of you and know you haven't done anything to jinx this. Remembering Matilda too.

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  2. CazAugust 28, 2010 at 8:46 AM

    Oh my friend, I know exactly. I had had it one day and finally ripped off all the tags and washed all the new stuff and thought to hell with it. If having hope means jinxing life then I'm doomed!

    Incidentally, it does not. You can not jinx this. That's not the way it works.

    Praying for Mungie and remembering Matilda xx

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  3. RebeccaAugust 28, 2010 at 8:09 PM

    It sucks not being able to be a "normal" pregnant person, huh. You know, only when I read this did I realize Addison would have been 10 months old today. I just can't believe it...for either of us. Oh how I hope you have an easy few weeks in your future. I think of you often.

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  4. jenmmAugust 28, 2010 at 9:32 PM

    As you know, I was in the same position last week with the dates lining up. There really are no words to describe how it feels. And I've also been a lot more emotional since getting past the 25+ weeks stage - more nervous now than before as it's so hard to believe this baby is actually still alive. All I can say is that I hope the next 6 or so weeks passes fairly quickly for you - because there are no words that will make you feel "better" about this pregnancy. It's a really long, hard road to go down. Take care. xx

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  5. on345667755August 29, 2010 at 4:02 AM

    i know how u feel, i lost my son last yr now i am pregnant again i have this feeling of impending doom, like if i do anything to display hope for this pregnancy then ill jix it. sometimes it feels inevitable like i expect everything to come falling down around me again and i just want to get it over and done with. im sure everyone on the outside thinks im heavily pessimistic but is just so hard not to be after a loss like that

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  6. MaddieAugust 29, 2010 at 4:33 PM

    Thanks for all your support. I have washed baby clothes sitting in the machine waiting to be hung out.

    I think of you all often as well. Rebecca - I wish our 10 month girls were here.

    Maddie x

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  7. luluAugust 30, 2010 at 3:48 AM

    hang in there and throw away that damned calender! xoxo

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  8. MaggieAugust 30, 2010 at 6:13 PM

    Pregnancy after loss is so very hard. Good thing you have all of us for support! :) Hang in there and just know we're all thinking of you often! xo

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  9. biojenAugust 31, 2010 at 1:06 PM

    Hang in there, one day at a time. If it helps at all you have a bunch of random strangers on the internet rooting for you. ((Hugs))

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  10. BethAugust 31, 2010 at 1:49 PM

    you're doing so well. we're all thinking of you. sending hugs xxx

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  11. LanaSeptember 1, 2010 at 5:06 AM

    Maddie you are a brave lady and you have a beautiful little girl looking over you. I'm so proud that you are able to wash those clothes - i have yet to work up the courage to do the same! i have everything crossed for you my dear.
    xx

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  12. luluSeptember 6, 2010 at 4:36 AM

    dear maddie, today was the anniversary of the day i lost my little girl. it was shitty. but we hang in there don't we!

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