Improvements?

Over the last couple of weeks I've noticed some of the fog lifting and I'm starting to feel more engaged in my life again. I can be talking to people and be present now rather than going through the motions and in my mind going 'my baby died'. I cleaned the house yesterday and I've been cooking a bit more as well.

I went to the park with my neighbour and her two boys this morning. These are the two boys I look after so I'm fine with them. And I was actually OK at the park. I had a few moments of 'I should have a baby' but it was manageable. I don't know if I would've been able to do that even a month ago. Little girls still break my heart though.

On the other hand, I can't believe it's almost 5 months since Matilda died. Where all that time has gone and how I've survived it, I don't know but I have and I'm still here, breathing, crying, wishing it was different, laughing, and hoping that my future holds a living baby.

DH told me he broke down in the car in the weekend. I asked if something in particular had triggered it. He said yes but he couldn't tell me because that was going to make him break down all over again. It breaks my heart that he still hurts so much but it also comforts me that he's so obviously heart-broken over losing our daughter as well. I'm not sure how I'd cope with a partner that locked it all away.

I'm nervous about Easter. We're going down to DH's parents and staying for three nights. I get on with them well but I spend so much time alone now that I find it really hard being around people for extended periods of time. And they're not a family to let 30 seconds pass without talking. So we'll see how we go. I'm also worried we'll be expected to go and see other family down there as well which I've already told DH I don't want to do. Last Easter I was pregnant with Matilda but it was very early days before we'd told anyone. One of DH's aunts had bought a bottle of bubbly to share with me and I spent the whole day secretly tipping it out. Back when we assumed there was no reason why pregnancy wouldn't result in a healthy baby for us. What a difference 12 months makes.

So some things are better, the down swings are still way down, and this journey still feels very long and exhausting. But I'm going to try and take some hope in the things that seem better. For now, they are the best I can do.