If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Why me? Why us? Why Matilda?

Last week I was coping and even felt 'normal' at times. I went to my book club and for the first time since Matilda died actually felt like I was there and enjoyed it instead of it being this weird surreal experience.

This week I'm back to crying all the time and stuck in the 'why us' frame of thought. A friend had her baby on the 24th of Feb. I knew she was having the c-section then but hadn't got in touch with her. DH kept asking if I'd heard from her but I just kept putting it off because I wasn't sure how I'd feel. I should feel nothing but happiness for her because they had a long TTC journey (almost 18 months). I remember feeling really bad having to tell her I was pregnant when she still wasn't. She emailed yesterday and said she'd been putting it off because they'd had a little girl and she thought it would've been easier to let me know they'd had a little boy. Which is true - I find it much harder around baby girls. I am happy for her but just so sad for us.

Then last week at book club, one of the girls was telling me one her friend's little girls has BWS. This is a weird co-incidence because BWS is so rare. This girl is 3 and my friend has known her for a couple of years and never knew anything was wrong with her. They got talking and the Mum mentioned she had a syndrome which meant regular visits to the hospital for screening and then my friend realised her tongue protuded and asked if it was BWS. The Mum was shocked my friend had heard of it. So not only was Matilda incrediably unlucky to have the syndrome in the first place - it just reinforced that most babies that have it are OK in the longer term. This girl is just a normal little 3 year old.

I burst into tears on DH last night after telling him about my friend's baby (I thought I was OK up until that point) and then he was surprised to find out I still cry everyday. Not for hours on end but at some point every day, I end up thinking about what happened and end up crying.


  1. The Whys are terrible as well as the ups and downs. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't think there's anything wrong at all with crying every day if you think of what happened. I know I do if I really think of everything. I'm thinking of you. XO

  2. Unfortunately I understand you very well.My son was stillborn on 30 October and burried on 3rd November 2009.These important dates for me are just the same of yours.I feel just the same, cry a lot, ask the Whys all the time, sleep bad,etc..This is very normal I guess.I hope we can find a bit strength in the coming months.
    Freya XXX

  3. The numbers are so cruel and those 'whys' are very difficult to silence. I don't know, I don't think there are any answers to those questions. Hoping for more peaceful times ahead for you. xo

  4. Oh I'm so so so right there with you. I keep vacillating between the "I'll totally be okay and get past this shitty thing" and the "Why did this thing have to happen and ruin my perfect life?" After a couple weeks, I started going days at a time without crying. But when it hits me, it's like a punch to the stomach. Baby girls really hit me where it counts, too. It turns out I can't deal with them at all. I saw my dear friend's baby boy when I was on vacation 2 weeks ago. We were pregnant at the same time. It didn't bother me and I held him a lot. I also saw my other dear friend who is due in about 4 weeks. She, too, is having a boy, and I am very grateful for that. I hate feeling this way. I hate having some kind of pent-up resentment toward people I love. It's just the pain that turns to anger and I know we all wish there was something or someone to rage against. I hate the ups and downs. I hate that I know exactly how you feel...and I hate it for you, too. Thinking of you.