If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I thought these days were behind me

Where I spend so much time crying, my eyes are puffy hours later. Where no matter what I'm doing, my mind just goes back to Matilda and what happened. Where I cry so hard, it feels like I can't keep breathing. Where just getting through the day takes all of my energy.

Just after I posted about 5 months and thinking that I was doing better these days, I fell back into this endless well of pain us babyloss Mum's seem to have inside of us.

We've had incrediably good news this week, we're going away for Easter, and are lucky in so many ways. But all I can think about it how sad I am, how much I miss Matilda, and how much I wish she was here.

My pysc suggested that perhaps I need to start finding some ways to say goodbye to Matilda. I thought I had but the reaction I had to that suggestion makes me think I haven't. And I don't want too. I can't believe I'm living a life where saying good bye to my baby was necessary.

Sigh. Here's hoping that as the dates once again roll past these dates when Matilda was alive that I can be thankful for what we have and what we have to look forward to again. And feel the love I have for Matilda without so much of the pain.


  1. Everyone always says grief comes in waves, at first its just one big storm of intense pain, then it lets up to pain and loss but not stunning, and then its just like the beginning..I didn't see it at first, but I do now..I'll be good and then smacked right back down.. hang in there, it (intense pain) will let up some again..((hugs))

  2. I disagree with your psych. I said goodbye to my children when I held them in my arms and when I buried them. But I will always miss them. I will always love them. And I will always grieve them. I will always have those days where my grief and pain and love overwhelms me. I don't think those days will ever go away. They may get fewer, but they will never go away. Just because I said goodbye, doesn't mean the pain and loss and love is gone too.

  3. So glad you get some time away - and hopefully it's as relaxing and refreshing as it can be. I think Mirne is right, the pain and loss and love won't go away even after the goodbyes. I've had a rough go of it lately...crying and feeling so much pain. Thinking of you and Matilda.

  4. I'm thinking of you & Matilda. I hope you have some brighter days. It's so frustrating when you start to feel a tiny bit better and then suddenly you feel all the pain and sadness all over again. I hear ya! Hope you have some brighter days. (((HUGS)))

  5. Okay, I seemed to wish you brighter days twice! :) I must really mean it!