News

I imagine you've already guessed what my news is. I'm pregnant. 13 weeks now. It seems to have taken forever to get to this point but equally surreal that I'm here and my belly is starting to grow. I'm having trouble believing it's happening and huge up and down emotions. To be expected I'd imagine.

I'm terrified and the link between the idea of being pregnant and having a baby seems very tenuous. We've started telling some people and they're first question is, when's the due date. Meanwhile I'm just counting down the days to the next appointment and a fortnight seems like too long.

I'll be writing about my pregnancy here - it changes my grief. It doesn't remove it or even lessen it but it does change how I look to the future. On good days, I have hope that there will be a baby at the end of this. I keep reminding myself that's how it works for most people.

I told my friend who's boys (almost 3 & 4) I've been doing kindy drop offs and pick ups for (12hrs a week) that I'll keep doing it until the end of May (just past 20 weeks). She knows I'm pregnant but obviously thought I'd carry on a lot longer than that and was disappointed. I don't think she understands just how terrifying this is for me and how scared I am of catching something from the boys that will hurt this baby. So I sent her an email:

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Thought it might be easier to try and explain in an email. I know I seem fine to you but being pregnant again is extremely difficult for me. You'll thankfully never understand what it's like to be in my situation and I don't expect you to understand. But everyday I have to live with the fear that this baby will die as well and honestly, I don't know how we'd deal with that. I still cry everyday about the fact that Matilda isn't here and then I feel guilty for this baby that I desperately want as well. I love looking after the boys but I'm scared of getting sick from them. I completely freaked out when I was 6 weeks pregnant and the boys had colds and was almost going to tell you I couldn't look after them anymore then.

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I'm expecting my anxiety to grow as we approach the 20 week scan (assuming we make it that far) because that's where things starting changing last time. Matilda's 12 week scan was fine so a good 12 week scan this time hasn't done nearly as much as last time to reassure me.

But there's hope and while that might not be showing through above, I'm trying to remember that.