If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

100 Days of Crying

In 5 days it'll be 100 days since Matilda's health started going downhill and I started crying. I never imagined anything would happen in my life that would make me cry for a hundred days in a row but it has and it seems like I'm only at the start of it.

Generally though I'm surprised that I'm not still crying more. In the beginning I wore sunglasses whenever I had to leave the house because I couldn't stop tears running down my cheeks constantly. It's not like that now, if something hurts when I'm out I can put the pain and tears away until I'm back home or in the car and cry then. I really didn't think I would get to this point so quickly and sometimes I feel bad that I have. That my life can continue when my baby died. That I can go grocery shopping when my baby died. That I can joke and laugh with my DH when my baby died. Maybe it's guilt that makes me feel bad about it - guilt that I'm here and she never even got a chance to live.

On the other side, my ob is surprised I still cry so much in her office. My pregnancy was one thing after another so I was always crying in her office during it. One appointment she even hugged me which made me think that things really weren't going the way they should be - I've never been hugged by a doctor before. So now when I go in there I cry before she even says anything and cry my way through the appointment. She's worried that her office still has such an effect on me and has given me a referral for a psychiatrist.

So am I coping too well? Not coping well enough?


  1. You're coping how you need to. Don't second guess yourself. And I'm sure I would cry in the OB's office, and so would many other people.

    If you could talk to Matilda, do you think she would want you to spend the rest of your life grieving? She wouldn't want the rest of your life to consist of overwhelming, unbearable grief, would she? Does that help you to think that being able to wait to cry, or to be able to laugh with your husband?

    I'm thinking of you. Hugs x

  2. I just found your blog today. We lost our second born child Gracie, on Dec. 10, 2009. I still cry when I see my doctor too. And she gave me a big hug also, the first time any doctor has actually hugged me. I felt the same way, I must not be doing well at all if it's to the point I need a hug from my doctor.

    I'm actually the opposite I feel guilty when I don't feel joyful because I promised her that I would find the joy in every moment, my tribute to her. It was not very realistic of myself to make this promise, now I try to let whatever feeling comes come ride out the bad one's and hold on to the good one's as long as they're here.