March 6 - The first day of my last period (given over and over to each doctor we saw)
July 24 - The day of our 20 week scan when we lost our innocence about pregnancy forever
September - Discovered our baby had a rare genetic syndrome
September 29 - Admitted to hospital at 29 weeks with pre-eclampsia
October 30 - Matilda arrived at 11.43pm
October 31 - Matilda had surgery at 2am and a rough night but was stable by the time we saw her at lunchtime. A good day.
November 1 - The best day. Matilda was stable and improving.
November 2 - Matilda took a turn for the worst overnight and it was scary but again was stable by lunchtime. Around 11pm things started to get worse again.
November 3 - The day our baby was baptised and we got to hold her for the first time. Things that you imagined would always be wonderful, positive events in your life. But for us it was also the day our hearts were broken in ways we couldn't imagine. Matilda died just after 1.30pm. The worst day.
But yesterday wasn't about any of those things. This time last year we didn't know that pregnancy was just around the corner and didn't even know about regular pregnancy things like NT scans, 20 weeks scans, when you first feel movements, that you're 4 weeks pregnant on the day of your first missed period, the list of things pregnant women can't eat.
Yesterday was about remembering our wonderful wedding day. My Mum is here at the moment and was a great deal less stressed than she was on this day last year (the wedding was in her garden). It didn't rain - our wedding was outside and we woke to pouring rain at 6am that didn't stop until 15 minutes before our ceremony. Just as well because we didn't really have a good plan b (it was to cram our 75 guests into my Mum and Dad's house). We were surrounded by family and friends. We exchanged vows, drove around in a friends lovingly restored classic cars, ate, drank, danced, and laughed.
I have wonderful memories of it but at the moment find it hard to look at those photos because I find it hard to remember that person I was. Happy, hopeful, laughing, social, and ready to jump up and dance. I hope that girl is still somewhere inside me. And that one day she can figure out how to live alongside this person that's been changed forever by Matilda Anne.
The only thing I could really say to DH last night at dinner was in 12 months our marriage has been tested in ways most (thankfully) never are. And we're still together and still happy in our marriage. Happy anniversary.