If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

An Anniversary of a Different Kind

Yesterday was our one year wedding anniversary. On March 6 a year full of dates will start for Matilda:
March 6 - The first day of my last period (given over and over to each doctor we saw)
July 24 - The day of our 20 week scan when we lost our innocence about pregnancy forever
September - Discovered our baby had a rare genetic syndrome
September 29 - Admitted to hospital at 29 weeks with pre-eclampsia
October 30 - Matilda arrived at 11.43pm
October 31 - Matilda had surgery at 2am and a rough night but was stable by the time we saw her at lunchtime. A good day.
November 1 - The best day. Matilda was stable and improving.
November 2 - Matilda took a turn for the worst overnight and it was scary but again was stable by lunchtime. Around 11pm things started to get worse again.
November 3 - The day our baby was baptised and we got to hold her for the first time. Things that you imagined would always be wonderful, positive events in your life. But for us it was also the day our hearts were broken in ways we couldn't imagine. Matilda died just after 1.30pm. The worst day.

But yesterday wasn't about any of those things. This time last year we didn't know that pregnancy was just around the corner and didn't even know about regular pregnancy things like NT scans, 20 weeks scans, when you first feel movements, that you're 4 weeks pregnant on the day of your first missed period, the list of things pregnant women can't eat.

Yesterday was about remembering our wonderful wedding day. My Mum is here at the moment and was a great deal less stressed than she was on this day last year (the wedding was in her garden). It didn't rain - our wedding was outside and we woke to pouring rain at 6am that didn't stop until 15 minutes before our ceremony. Just as well because we didn't really have a good plan b (it was to cram our 75 guests into my Mum and Dad's house). We were surrounded by family and friends. We exchanged vows, drove around in a friends lovingly restored classic cars, ate, drank, danced, and laughed.

I have wonderful memories of it but at the moment find it hard to look at those photos because I find it hard to remember that person I was. Happy, hopeful, laughing, social, and ready to jump up and dance. I hope that girl is still somewhere inside me. And that one day she can figure out how to live alongside this person that's been changed forever by Matilda Anne.

The only thing I could really say to DH last night at dinner was in 12 months our marriage has been tested in ways most (thankfully) never are. And we're still together and still happy in our marriage. Happy anniversary.


  1. A very Happy Anniversary to you! I know when I look at our wedding pictures it makes me want to go back to that day when I was so happy and innocent. Thinking of you and wishing you many more happy years of marriage!

  2. Happy anniversary. I wish that the first year of your marriage had been kinder to you and your daughter. I'm so glad that you still have one another and happiness in your marriage. x

  3. Maddie, happy anniversery, im glad the past year has made your relationship stronger... some days i wonder how it could so easily go the other way. I too am lucky and i believe we are perhaps more in love than we were before our matilda was born.. we were crazy in love before but somehow we seem even more in love and together now.. i understand what you mean about not knowing about regular pregnancy things.. i always wondered why i was 4 weeks pregnant at my first missed period rather than 2 weeks! our first day of last period was the 8th march 2009... also a day i will never forget...

  4. Happy anniversary! And I hope you find that girl some day. She'll be different in a lot of ways, but I bet she still loves to dance. :)

  5. Congratulations on surviving such a difficult year, to both you and your DH. I hope the future years are easier on you both. xx

  6. I came across your blog from another blogger I read, Maggie, and I wanted to let you know I am truly sorry for you loss of sweet Matilda. My heart goes out to you. I have always loved the name Matilda, it's the kind of name that makes me smile. Hugs to you!

  7. I came over to your blog from a glow in the woods and was so struck by your circumstances being so similar to my husband's and mine. We're about to celebrate our 1st anniversary in a couple of months and our lives were forever changed when we found out our son had a genetic disorder at our first ultrasound (19 weeks). His heart stopped beating in his 24th week and he was born still. That was a month ago and we miss him terribly. Sometimes I look at what we've come through and am amazed that we can still be so happy together but am so glad that we are. And we're stronger for it.

    Many hugs and well wishes.


  8. Corrie - I don't think anyone ever imagines their marriage will face things like this so early but you're right, our marriages are stronger for it. Maybe this is a gift from our angels.

    Maddie x

  9. Thank you so much for leaving comments on my blog. I didn't know how good it would feel to connect with other mothers who have experienced baby loss. The same kind of "good" I felt when we picked up our son's ashes and I found solace in being able to carry and hold him again.

    Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in this. And neither are you.