If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Down Day

It's 9am and I've already cried more than once this morning. I'm physically I feel crap - tired, fuzzy throat, and have a cough. Last night I felt like I was coping, things seemed like they would be OK but today that's all gone again. I hate how good days seem to count for nothing and not even be a memory on bad days. I dropped the boys (that I look after not mine) at kindy and on the way home there was a song on the radio I like. The sort of song that if you were out and heard you'd jump up and dance. And it made me cry because I can barely remember being the sort of person that would jump up and dance and today I can't imagine ever being that person again.

A year ago it was 3 days until my wedding. I was hungover from the second hen's night I'd had. I was surrounded by friends and family, a lot of who had travelled to be at my wedding, and my life couldn't have been more perfect. Today there's still a lot of good things in my life but there's also the one thing that wipes them all out on days like today - I was pregnant, I carried my child expecting that we'd now be raising her, she was here. But now she's not. And I'm left with ashes, photos, memories, tears, and an aching heart.

Today this feels very hard. I hope tomorrow is a better day.


  1. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you too. Sending lots of hugs your way!

  2. I didn't know what people meant at first about grief sneaking up on you. I guess if you're always thinking about it, it's hard for it to sneak up. So maybe that means you're starting to feel a little better?

    I'm glad you've seen a therapist, by the way. It feels good to have someone to talk to, I think. Keep talking and writing...you have no choice, right?

    I hope today has been better.

  3. I hope tomorrow is better too.

    I know what you mean, it is hard to remember being that person who would jump up and dance. I know that I was one of those people once but it feels like a dream almost.

    Thinking of you and Matilda xo