I can't believe it's been four months. Like lots of other baby loss Mum's it seems like it's been the longest 4 months of my life but also when I think about that last day and what followed the pain seems as fresh as ever.
In the first few weeks I never would have imagined I'd be this functional and actually able to enjoy some things by now. I thought that intense pain that wouldn't let me do anything except think about Matilda, read blogs of other Mums going through this, and books about babies dying would last a lot longer. Instead I can talk to Mick and laugh, I can see close friends and enjoy catching up with them, I can read novels, and I can feel some hope for the future.
On the other hand, my baseline mood is low and I have a lot of fear for the future. Will I get to bring my next baby home? Or will there be more heartache along this road? I can barely cope with the thought that might be the case yet I see others out there having to live through this. My old soccer team is having a catch-up next month and I don't think I can cope with going. I played soccer for five years - last year being the first year I hadn't. In that time I went from a single girl who played hungover every Saturday to engaged and retiring because I was pregnant. I've always been involved in all the social outings of this team but yet I don't feel like I can go. To sit surrounded by happy people who used to know me as outgoing, loud, and at the center of things to sitting in the corner thinking 'what am I meant to talk about - my life is all about my dead baby but that's not really appropriate for a get together like this'. I just don't think I can do it.
I've been thinking about it and I think the difference is that I used to be fundamentally happy and if something went wrong my mood would drop and then come back up again to my happy baseline. Now I'm fundamentally sad and withdrawn and if something good happens (catching up with a friend or enjoying a book) my mood comes up but then afterwards it drops back to this sad, withdrawn, and scared place.
And what really scares me is that I always knew that intense all-consuming pain wouldn't last forever. But where I am now feels like it could last for a really long time.
It's raining today. I lost Matilda at the start of a bright sunny Queensland summer. Today the weather feels in sync with my mood - it doesn't feel wrong to hide inside and curl within myself.