If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Meet You At The Sunset - February

If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both. Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand?

We do differ in our grief. From the outset I've cried more and in the beginning wasn't capable of doing much at all. My husband does cry and does talk about it though. For this I'm grateful, I'm not sure how I'd cope with someone who locked it all away. He went back to work after a week which was the right thing for him to do. Three months later I was set to resign from work because the idea of going into the office made me feel ill. DH was completely supportive of this and just wanted me to do what was right for me.

I needed to talk about the details of what happened and Matilda's condition much more than DH. He just seemed to accept it had happened and while he was devastated, didn't need to revisit the details over and over. I did and have done so here, with my Mum, and with close friends. But again even though he's different, he's supportive of my need to do so. I wanted to go back to the hospital to see Matilda's neonatologist a week or so after she died to ask her questions. DH didn't want to at all and when I asked why he said he was scared of us hearing they could have done something differently that would have saved her. I really didn't think we were going to hear that but had to take that risk to have other questions answered. I just needed the information.

I sometimes forget how hard this is for DH. Because I'm talking, writing, and thinking about it all the time, I can talk about it without crying or it making me sadder than I already am. But it's hard for DH to hear me talk about Matilda and what happened. One day we saw friends for the first time since Matilda died and my friend had lost her baby at 15 weeks earlier in the year. So we talked about both our experiences at length. In the car on the way home, DH said the afternoon had been awful for him. I felt bad for not considering him and then sad that it had helped me but not him.

I was scared about how I would react the day we picked up Matilda's ashes but it was actually the one time DH cried a lot more than me. Again I think it's related to all the active processing I do whereas I think to an extent DH doesn't think about it until he has too.

DH has had problems sleeping since we lost her but I haven't. He's told me that's when he lies and thinks about her.

I can see how grief like this could tear a couple apart but I think it's made us closer. I think the real key is to accept we both grieve differently and to accept that's OK. I worry sometimes that it's going to get harder as time goes on (it's four months today since she died) and I'm still stuck here in this sad, withdrawn from the world place and DH is out enjoying life. I hope we can continue to respect the differences in each other's grief.

Like other's have mentioned. I spend hours on the laptop reading blogs, writing, and posting to forums. DH doesn't really get this and worries that reading all these other stories makes me sadder. I can't explain it but I'm sure you understand - I just feel drawn to read other's stories. To hear about their precious babies. To be understood. DH was very involved in my pregnancy - he came to all of my (many) scans. He used to lie in bed every morning until he felt Matilda move. But pregnancy, child birth, and motherhood are still really a women's domain. And for that, I think I feel most understood among other baby loss mums.

DH is also more optimistic than me. He was throughout the last pregnancy and is about the future. We saw a social worker at 28 weeks and she said that's pretty typical in couples. And I think it's good - if we were both like me, I think the downward spiral wouldn't be pretty. I just hope and pray that his view of the future is the one we end up with.

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