Every month, Matilda's birthday (30 October) hits me harder than the anniversary of her death. And today I think I've just figured out why. On her birth date I think of what should have been - we should have been talking about how quickly three months had gone and on the other hand how it seemed like Matilda had been here forever. Instead each day of these three months has passed slowly and filled with grief and longing. But if she'd lived, today's date would have had no special meaning. November 3 would've just been the day she'd been 4 days old and wouldn't have been something to mark.
What's changed in three months since Matilda's death. I am now intimately familiar with what grief feels like. This is the first big loss in my life. I've always felt lucky because of that before. But I guess all of that 'luck' I felt has just been overtaken by this huge, overwhelming loss.
I'm surprised that only three months I can function 'normally' for the most part. DH and I have been away to a new city and looked around, ate out, and to anyone else, would've looked like a normal, childless couple. So I'd imagine friends and family are probably talking about how 'well' we're doing. But they can't see inside my thoughts and know how much they are still consumed by Matilda and what should've been and fears for the future.
I'm surprised at the resilience of the human spirit. I've read so many stories now and we all seem to keep getting out of bed (mostly) and breathing.
Three months doesn't seem like long in this journey of grief but I'm here and still breathing.