If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Since Matilda died I've noticed butterflies flying around the edge of our deck a lot. Yesterday, one flew right in and fluttered around for a long time (a couple of minutes). I don't know if I just notice them more now but I'd rather believe that they're a sign, that Matilda is near us.


  1. Hi Maddie,

    I'm really drawn to birds since we lost Olivia. She looked so much like a little baby bird with her mouth open just a little bit like she was searching for food. She wasn't, of course, but that's how I remember her.

    I also wanted to tell you I didn't mean to make you feel like you should apologize to your DH for crying. I'm sure he knows how hard you're trying and how hard it is for you because it sounds like it's just as hard for him, too. Just be patient with yourself and when you're ready, you can use him as an excuse to be strong when you feel like you're almost there. I'm surprised at the energy it takes sometimes to keep it together and sort of grateful when I have something outside of myself forcing me to do so.

    Take care and be gentle with yourself. I'm pretty extroverted too so this aloneness thing is new for me, but I'm trying to embrace it.

  2. The aloneness thing is funny - I've never spent so much time alone in my whole life but it's not worrying me at the moment. I figure I'll know when it's time to start spending more time with people.

    I feel exhausted a lot of the time and I think that might just be from the effort of getting through my days without being an emotional wreck the whole time.

  3. grief is exhausting. i never knew until the last couple of months.

    i want a tattoo of a celtic butterfly, in memory of the baby.

  4. Ive found that crows comfort me in this way, I always think of them as messengers for Henry. I believe that winged things hold special significance, they have the power to communicate with them when we do not (direct power, I do believe they hear us and know how much we love them). Hang on honey, thinking about you.

  5. Oh, Maddie, I on the day Sybella died, there were hundreds out the front of our house. They are still fluttering around. One stayed on our back door for about 20 minutes. I definitely think butterflies are baby messengers.