If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Today I Realised

That this whole year is going to be 'this time last year I was ....' I realised this when after my last post about this time last year today I woke up and thought, this time last year me and DH spent the day on the back deck having a few drinks and listening to the Triple J Hottest 100 (it's an Australian thing).

And that's what this whole year is going to consist of:
* This time last year was my wedding
* This time last year we were on how honeymoon
* This time last year was the first day of my last period (etched on my brain as I had to give it so many times to so many different doctors)
* This time last year I took the pregnancy test and it was positive
* This time last year we were going through the scan, bad news, amino hell followed by good news
* This time last year we found out Matilda had a rare genetic syndrome
* This time last year I was in hospital

And then the big ones:
* This time last year Matilda was born
* This time last year Matilda was alive
* This time last year the impossible happened - our daughter was no longer here

What my life will look like when we get to those milestones I have no idea. I have a big fear that it will have been a year filled with more loss and no baby or pregnancy by then. But I have to hold onto some hope that won't be case. For me, for all of us.

Matilda - we love you. Please hold my hand as we learn how to walk this new road life has thrown at us. Love Mum


  1. Maddie. I was also like this last year, everything related back to what stage I was in my pregnancy the year before. This year I seem to think more about how old the girls would have been and what they would be doing. I dont think this will ever go away :(

  2. I totally relate and I'm so sorry, Maddie.