I love her and always will. That's the easy part. The hard part is everything else that goes with this thing they call 'baby loss' (I didn't even know this term existed 'before'). The emotions, the physical pain of grief, dealing with those people that just don't get it (why are there so many of them), and trying to look to the future with hope rather than fear.
Apologies to Jess for borrowing, stealing, whatever you'd like to call it, the idea of the title. It's not just that I lack creativity to the point where I couldn't think of anything better but I have this distinct sensation of my life being 'before' and 'after'. When I look at my wedding photos (it was only 10 months ago) it's like looking at person who I don't even know. I can't imagine what my thoughts were about losing a baby before it had happened to me. Did I try and imagine the devastating loss or did I just push it aside with the idea that things like this happen to other people? I don't know, I try and try but I just can't get my into my 'before' mind. I hear songs on the radio and think 'The last time I heard that was before'.
I'm not sure what I hope to get out of this blog but I hope getting my thoughts out of my head will go some way towards helping me deal with them. We'll see.