If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, January 22, 2010


Tomorrow we're going to one of the islands for the weekend. I was getting my things together today and thought 'can't forget my sunglasses so I can cry on the ferry without everyone noticing'. The last time we went there I cried on the ferry wearing sunglasses - it was after our 20 week scan when we found out things weren't perfect but still had no idea how serious they were. At that stage, I was just crying about my baby needing minor surgery after being born and having to go through an amino. Oh how I wish that had been all I needed to cry about. Instead it was the start of one lot of bad news after the other ending with the worse news of all - 'It's now inevitable your little girl is going to die'.

And somehow amongst all that, came the best days of our lives - meeting our little girl, thinking she really was going to be OK after a few weeks in hospital, holding her for the first time.
In other news, my manager emailed wanted to know what my plans were for going back to work. I said I don't know, all I do know is that I'm not ready to go back yet, and I hope in another 3 months I'm in a better place to consider the future. And I want to come back part time. I though this was pretty clear but I get a reply asking if I'm up to coming in to discuss what I want to do. I thought the email was pretty clear 'I don't know and can't say right now'. So I guess I'll have to go in and repeat this in person. I feel like just burying my head in the sand and pretending the reply never came.

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