If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Elephant in the Room

DH and I are in Melbourne for a week (looking forward to meeting some fellow mums of angels in the weekend) doing the tourist thing. We've been walking around, taking trams, drinking coffees, and eating lots of food. For the most part, it's enjoyable which feels odd. But I have this feeling that it far too early to be finding things enjoyable and that makes me feel guilty. But whenever there's a quiet moment - sitting waiting for DH to come back from the bathroom or looking out the window on a tram - I start thinking about Matilda and tear up.

It's the first time I've really been out of the house over than for short periods for specific purposes (going to the doctor etc) so I'm being confronted with a lot of pregnant women and strollers for the first time. When I was pregnant, DH and I would often comment on how pregnant women looked or look at see what type of stroller they had or talk about what their babies looked like. Now we both just go silent and don't say anything. What is there to say - 'That makes me sad', 'That should be us', 'Will that ever be us?'. It's like there's an elephant in the room.


  1. Maddie- I'm glad you've started writing, and I'll definitely be reading. It's been helpful for me so far. It's like I'm able to just spew my thoughts onto a page and then let them go. And of course it's often helpful to get comments from other unfortunate mommies like us. Your Matilda and my Addison were alive during the same brief time, so even a sea between us won't be able to break that terrible sameness. And that is comforting to me. As you know, I'm also feeling that calm right now--not too many sad moments for me lately, and I don't know quite what to think of that. I guess I should be bracing for the storm. I'm thinking about you.

  2. Thanks for reading Rebecca. The sameness is comforting to me as well. Matilda lived her whole life in the NICU as well.

  3. BREEDERS! In the first months after losing a baby it is as if they are stalking you. And they all look so flippen happy - oblivious to how tenuous pregnancy and even life is!

  4. I know - I feel like telling them just how tenuous it all is. But that's not actually going to help is it.

    I just look in the other direction and pretend they're not there. Obviously that's going to be hard when the day comes that one of my close friends or family announces their pregnancy.