If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Father's Love

Our neighbours arrived home after a month away on Thursday. We're close and when they arrived back we went over for a drink and too catch up. They've got two kids - M who's a 7 year old and S their beautiful three year old daughter. They were up playing while we were over there - they've lived next door since before S was born so we've known her for her whole life.

As we were leaving and saying good-bye, DH said 'Good bye Mat, oops S'. It was obvious to everyone he'd been about to say goodbye Matilda. As soon as we got out the door, he said to me upset 'I don't know why I said that - sorry for upsetting you' (I was crying by this stage). I said he didn't need to be sorry and it was probably just because he'd been thinking about Matilda. He said he had been watching S play with her toys and thinking that's what Matilda would have been doing when he got older. I'm sitting her with tears running down my face just thinking about it.

The next day he apologised to S's Mum and she said, that her and her DH had cried for Matilda as well after we'd left. Of course when DH told me this, it made both of us cry again.
On a different note, I went to a pilates class today. My other neighbour goes and had explained my situation to them so I didn't have too (I don't think I would have been brave enough to do that). I enjoyed the class and I think it reminded me that I did enjoy other things in life before we embarked on this path to parenthood. I'm going to keep going.


  1. Oh honey i have tears for Mick i know he is a great daddy and one day a little one is going to be blessed to have him to play with and be friends with, you both will. Im so sorry this happens and all the what ifs and if only's come up again and again.

    I still look at Alex and think , if the twins were here they would be doing this , they would be playing this or saying that its forever we do it all the time and it just hurst to know they didnt get the chance to do any of that.

    Big hugs to you and Mick honey you are wonderful parents.

  2. this may sound odd, but i'm glad for you that you have other people in your life who cry for your daughter. it makes her more real, that other people miss her too. all my family and friends are sad for me, support me and D, but noone seems to remember my baby, who never had a chance to live.

    i hope you enjoy pilates next time you go.

  3. That is a heart breaking story but so beautiful. it sounds like you have an incredible husband.

  4. He is incredible - luckily for me.

  5. i really feel for baby loss dads... they miss out on alot of the TLC that us baby loss mums seem to get and also the support we have through blogging and also in everyday life..

    i see the way my partner looks at little babys.. with a longing look in his eyes and every now and then they glaze over... i know he misses his girl.. i feel like a failure for not giving him his girl...

    i hope i will be able to bring him home another baby one day soon..

    maddie you are lucky you have a lovely hubby