If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Early Days

In the early days, I used to spend hours reading blogs like this one. I rationally know that each of us, grief will move at different speeds. And the countless grief books I read told me over and over - there's no timeline for grief. But I was desperate to find blogs with people who'd had a similar experience to me and read how their grief had changed over time.

So I'd go into the archives of each blog to try and find the start so I could match up the posts to my timeframes (ie, two weeks after Matilda died, I'd try and find the archives for two weeks after for them). But generally, I'd find the blog had been started weeks or more often, months after the writer had lost their precious baby.

I think I know why now, at least in my case. The early days were so full of shock and intense raw pain, I didn't have the energy to write about my feelings in any rational way. It took all of my energy just to get out of bed, shower (I didn't always manage this), and eat (I only did this because I knew I had too - my appetite is only just starting to return now). I read grief book after grief book and every book I could find about losing a baby. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I used to read emails and text messages people sent to me but never had the energy to respond. Even now, I'm not sure how I survived those first few weeks.

But I'm scared about the future, I've read blogs and books where the real depression of grief didn't set in until three months or later. The Sids and Kids support groups classify the timeframe for the 'Early Grief' group as 18 months. So I don't know if I've been through the worst or if it's still coming.


  1. Maddie - Im still scared about the future and its been 14 months since my girls died! My grief comes and goes in waves now and it still really shocks me how low I can go when Ive had a bad day. Looking forward to meeting you Friday :)

  2. So glad I got to meet you and the other girls (and boys) this weekend. Seeing you all reassured me somewhat about the future but made me realise the pain is always going to be there - but it some ways I want it to be. Seeing people tears when talking about their babies really speaks to the depth of their feelings.

    Bring on March for you.