If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Sometimes these days, I'll do something and get a feeling of deja vu. Yesterday I had a wristband on from a tour we'd done and was washing my hands when it happened. I paused and thought about it, I spent a lot of time washing my hands over a wristband when Matilda was alive and in the NICU.

Tonight we were sitting in a restaurant and I pulled a piece of ice out of my drink and started chewing on it, deja vu again. When I was in hospital (admitted at 29 1/2 weeks for pre eclampsia and delivered at 34 weeks) I spent a lot of time eating ice while hooked up for daily CTGs. Matilda was never as active as the midwives wanted to see, so I was always eating ice to try and wake her up.

In the early days, moments like these would reduce me to sobs. At the moment, they just cause a wave of sadness to wash over me. Who knows how many more of these moments there are to go or which ones will reduce me to sobs all over again.


  1. Sometimes little things seem to spark off memories. The smell of antibacterial soap and hand washing always seem to give me a NICU flashback.

    You've described their unpredictable nature so well in the final paragraph. Sometimes they are more gentle, like a wave, and at other times simply unbearable.

  2. people don't seem to realise how many NICU and babyloss moms suffer from PTSD. there are so many trauma's, one after the other, leading to the ultimate trauma, the loss. I am sorry that these images haunt you. I can relate. They have been a huge part of my life for the last 15 months.

  3. Has your therapy taught you any methods to deal with the flashbacks? I wonder if they're going to be with me forever or if they'll fade with time. I am so sorry for what Peyton and you had to go through - after our 4 days in the NICU I can't even imagine what it's like to go through a month in there.