If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A Summer of Grief

Matilda died on the 3rd on November. By then I'd been in hospital since the 30th of September and missed most of Spring. I'm in Queensland, Australia so by the time I left hospital it was bright, sunny, and hot by 6am every morning. It felt strange against my grief and almost painful that very first morning I woke up at 4am and sat here on the Internet, watching the sky get light, and looked for support about how I was going to survive this. At that time, it felt impossible. I wrote into a forum looking for support - 'I'm sitting here and I can't believe the sun has come up when my baby is no longer here'.

Days passed and I hid inside rather than face the sun outside. It seemed wrong that it could shine so brightly when everything seemed the opposite to me. How can the sun shine in a world where so many babies die and there's so much pain.

Today it's raining and has been all day which is very unusual here. It's nice. I don't feel out of step with the world staying inside, doing my cross-sitch, and watching DVDs.

But I wonder if my initial, raw grief had happened in the winter, would I have gotten out of bed each day? Since Matilda died I have gotten out of bed each day (admittedly not much further some days) but if it had been cold and dark I have a feeling I may just have given in and stayed in bed every day seeing nothing to get up for.

Soon this season will be over and I wonder if summer will ever look the same to me again. It's always been my favourite month but now I'm not so sure that'll remain the case. Will this be one of the things Matilda changes about me forever or just something that changes for a while?


  1. Hey Maddie,

    I believe that it is something that will change forever. Summer this year has been hard for me. Its so difficult to see everything so beautiful and bright. I hate going for walks at night because all I think about is that Jack is missing out on the beautiful sunset or the smell of the lovely summer flowers. So I am actually kind of looking forward to Winter this year.

    Because Jack was born in May the days sort of seemed to blend together - I dont really remember much about the weather at all. But I know that it was still difficult getting out of bed each day.

    Take care



  2. Alexandra died in November too, so we started our grief in winter (at least it's winter up here in the states!) :) But I found it hard to get out of bed some days, but thanks to my husband I was able to. Take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you. XO