If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I am exhausted. I don't know how mums who have other children or have to go back to work cope with this on top of grief. I am sleeping (mostly) from 9.30 at night until at least 6am. I've started looking after the boys next door and doing the kindy run three days a week. This is a total of 12 hours of work spread over three days but I had no idea it would take this much out of me.

I didn't notice the exhaustion up until now. I'm not sure if that's because it wasn't there or if now that my emotions are slightly less intense all the time, I just didn't notice it. Maybe it was there all along, it used to be a massive effort to hang out one load of washing but I always just thought that was a motivation thing.

I guess I just keep eating, trying to sleep, and looking after myself. And trust that my body know what it needs.

It's strange, I read so many other posts about women no longer trusting their bodies. Because Matilda's problems were genetic, I don't seem to have this loss of faith in my body. Having said that, I'm not sure if I trust it to do what I need it too in the future.

And I like my section scar and my stretch marks - they're one of the few things I have remaining of Matilda.


  1. Often when Im trying to get to sleep I trace my fingers over my scar. Just another connection to my girls :)

  2. i found that the grief and its tiredness didn't hit until i stopped DOING stuff all the time and just gave myself space, to let it come.

    do you have to look after the kids? is it doing you good? if not, could you take a week off from it at least?

    i still trust my body. it held onto my baby for four weeks after it had gone. but... i don't trust fate. i don't trust my eggs.

    i don't trust my instincts. because i had no clue that anything was wrong.

    if you're managing to eat and sleep and mostly look after yourself, you're doing so, so well.

  3. Sorry for bombarding your blog with so many comments, it's just that it is all so fresh and rings so true. My baby died on 3 Sept and it sounds like Matilda died on 3 October. so close together. I wonder if they are buddies in heaven.

  4. That's OK - bombard away. I like to hear from others. Your's was one of the first blogs I found (not sure how) and started following when Matilda died. She died on November 3.

    I hope they're buddies - two beautiful girls up there together.