If you know me in real life and have found this blog, please honour my wishes and don't read on. I need this place to freely write my feelings to help me to heal and if you're reading, I'll censor myself. I have no way of knowing who is reading so all I can do is trust you to honour my wishes. Thank you.

(this doesn't apply to any of my fellow mums of angels I've been lucky enough to meet in real life)

Monday, January 18, 2010

A False Sense of Hope

Yesterday I had a good day. I read my books and the ever present lump in my chest had lifted. I thought 'I can cope with this. Yes it's going to be difficult but I can cope'.

Today it all seems to be gone. The lump is back and the waves of pain that leave me in tears and just wanting my baby back. Along with, what if it never gets any better. What if we can't get pregnant again. What if we get pregnant and then have a miscarriage.

I don't think I'm asking for too much, just a sense of hope. I can cope with everything else when I have that. But it seems very bleak when that's gone as well.


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6 comments:

  1. KerryJanuary 19, 2010 at 4:14 AM

    Oh honey the good sneak up on us much quieter than the bad as we expect them, hang in there honey there is hope, i have hope for you and Mick much hope.

    xxx

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  2. Catherine WJanuary 19, 2010 at 2:34 PM

    Ach Maddie. I think it comes and goes. Obviously there are no guarantees for the future, they aren't for any of us, but I think we have to keep hoping.
    Hoping for more peaceful times ahead for you and that you recovery that sense of optimism xo

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  3. MaddieJanuary 19, 2010 at 2:36 PM

    Thanks guys. I had a better afternoon - me and Mick had a big swim with the boys I'm looking after which seemed to help.

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  4. BethJanuary 20, 2010 at 6:12 AM

    it will get better in the end. it just has to.

    if only our losses would guarantee that we never had to suffer this again. it's hard to realise that trying again will open ourselves up to risking experiencing this pain once more.

    thinking of you xx

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  5. CazJanuary 22, 2010 at 1:32 AM

    When I lost my girl, I began to grieve not only for her, but also for the lack of naivete, the loss of innocence, the despair and fear that took the place of hope.
    There are no guarantees for ANYONE and never have been, the only difference is now we have experienced the reality of this first hand. I think in some ways, if you lose your FIRST child this is doubly cruel as pregnancy loss becomes your point of reference and your status quo as opposed to having a happy ending to fall back on.
    Even "where Im at" I am largely relying on those close to me to remind me of hope.. I am often too scared to have it, but it's important. It's worth fighting for.
    In the days before I took the test, I googled Bible verses and quotes on hope and kept a list of them open on my desk top. Seemed to bring some comfort.

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  6. MaddieJanuary 22, 2010 at 1:45 AM

    I'd already started grieving for the fact we were never going to have one of those blissful, excited pregnancies where the labour was the biggest fear after our 20 week scan (that's where things started).

    I'm trying to hold onto hope but it's difficult at time.

    My counsellor suggested finding a quote that speaks to me and keeping it around - I'd forgotten but you've reminded me. Maybe I will.

    xx

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