Today I Realised

That this whole year is going to be 'this time last year I was ....' I realised this when after my last post about this time last year today I woke up and thought, this time last year me and DH spent the day on the back deck having a few drinks and listening to the Triple J Hottest 100 (it's an Australian thing).

And that's what this whole year is going to consist of:

* This time last year was my wedding

* This time last year we were on how honeymoon

* This time last year was the first day of my last period (etched on my brain as I had to give it so many times to so many different doctors)

* This time last year I took the pregnancy test and it was positive

* This time last year we were going through the scan, bad news, amino hell followed by good news

* This time last year we found out Matilda had a rare genetic syndrome

* This time last year I was in hospital

And then the big ones:

* This time last year Matilda was born

* This time last year Matilda was alive

* This time last year the impossible happened - our daughter was no longer here

What my life will look like when we get to those milestones I have no idea. I have a big fear that it will have been a year filled with more loss and no baby or pregnancy by then. But I have to hold onto some hope that won't be case. For me, for all of us.

Matilda - we love you. Please hold my hand as we learn how to walk this new road life has thrown at us. Love Mum